Friday, April 20, 2007

Outer Banks Sunrise

Trying too hard - or not hard enough?

I want to talk about family. About belonging. I love my sister. A couple of years ago she had cancer. Since her cancer she has been so unreachable. It is as if all her energy is going into her work, with a little left for her husband, but really nothing for anyone else. I recently visited her for a few days. I thought maybe if I came to her, that some of the old closeness would be there. However my attempts at conversation were usually rejected as were hugs. I try not to intrude, not to make demands, I am happy to cook, play with the dog, entertain myself. Why does she still reject me? Do I have nothing to give? It makes me so sad.

I see myself as easygoing, accepting, eager to please, interested in others, affectionate. Am I kidding myself? I asked my sister how she makes friends. She always seems surrounded by them while I cannot say the same for me.
"you try too hard" she said.
I don't though. I keep myself to myself. But I think she means I try too hard to be close to her.

Right now I am visiting my brother, Adam. When I describe my frustration to him and his wife, my frustration with my work, with feeling out of my depth, with my concentration and memory problems, with not being able to juggle nursing and family (even though my family is minimal), they say: "You are making excuses. You are stopping yourself from achieving." And they are probably right. They have given me several ideas for getting myself organized better. Perhaps I just lack the discipline.

Husband seems to feel the same way: "Of course you should be able to go to work, even after only sleeping 5 hours divided into 3 cat naps (because of travelling all night), and then after a 14 hr night shift drive for 3 hrs. I would have." Should I have? Would I not be endangering my patients, not to speak of passengers and other drivers?

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Family Easter

We gathered at the farm, 3 generations. Mother and Father, the kids, and the grandkids. A selection at least. If we had all been there with significant others, there would be 19 of us. Mother had set several card tables against each other and the dining room table in the living room to make room for the 11 of us. The table is set with lace and decorated with forsythia and pussywillows in vases. In a basket in the center are the eggs we have all been coloring the past couple of days. I've always wanted to try vegetable colors. The red cabbage eggs came out a bright blue, the turmuric eggs a warm yellow, but the red beet eggs are a muddy red, not the bright red I had hoped for.

After a dinner of nut loaf (my brother, Roland and Sharon are vegetarian), salad, and baked sweet potatoes, came the basket game. Mother had prepared easter baskets for all, with easter candy and little knitted finger gnomes. One by one each of us took one of the others baskets and hid them outside. Then we all went out at once to look for our baskets. Meghann found hers right away, as if she had seen Sharon hide it. Sharon took it and hid it again. There were many good hiding places: Mother's was up a tree, my nephew, Beren's was in the old bathtub lying on it's side, Sharon's was behind a bale of hay, mine was covered with shovels and garden tools and so on. Even though it was cold and a little snow was blowing in the air, we had a blast!

Sunday, April 8, 2007

Good Friday

3 hours ago I was so frustrated! I'm exhausted after three 14-15 hour night shifts on the med/surge unit, with about 5 hrs of sleep between each.
I've had zero time to spend with my 17-year old daughter, who is visiting for a week during her spring break.
Outside it's been snowing hard with a chill wind from the north. You'd think it was christmas coming up, not easter!
My sister and nephew are here for the easter weekend, and I want to spend time with them, but I still haven't looked at the taxes, and I have 99 tele strips to analyze.

3 hrs ago I felt that in order to manage my life I should have been a recluse. But when my sister and brother-in-law got into town and we all went to the friday night contra dance, all the stress and frustration melted away. At first I still felt dizzy but 3 hrs of dancing blew it all away, and the energy came pouring back! That is what dancing does for me. And that is why I am calling this blogg Dancer.