Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Detachment

After working with mindfullness and meditation for nearly a year, I have found that deep peace that Eckhart Tolle talks about. In Stillness Speaks he says: 

"Your acceptance of what is takes you to a deeper level. When you can accept this moment as it is, you can feel a sense of spaciousness within you that is deeply peacefull. On the surface you may still be happy when it's sunny, and not so happy when it's rainy. You may be happy at winning a million dollars and unhappy at losing all your possessions. Neither happiness nor unhappiness go all that deep anymore. They are ripples on the surface of your being. The background peace within you remains undisturbed regardless of the nature of the outside condition.

I experienced this peace and detachment when I crashed a car in january, and again when I left my ipad (with all my books, my cookbook, adress book, journal and notes on it), as well as my wallet with credit cards and drivers licence on a train while travelling in California in March. At first it was: "wow, mindfulness and meditation are working!", I mean even when the insurance company decided that the crash was my fault and I recieved a hefty repair bill, and even though my ipad and cards never showed up again, my inner peace was not shaken.

But I've been wondering. Even though I have achieved that deep seated peace and detachment from the roller coaster of life, I have not experienced bliss. I do not experience certainty of purpose. By that I mean, that I do not feel certain of the purpose of my life, or any life. 

And so now I am wondering. Is it really peace? or is it indifference?
Is all this spiritual practice making me a more effective human being in the world? 
Or am I losing touch with reality, and just sort of coasting along until one day I find myself in a nursing home, having been no good to anyone, and no closer to knowing what this life was all about?