One of my favorite poems ("Invictus" by William Henley) ends with the lines:
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
In the past few days I have seen how far I am from that ideal. How often is not my emotional life determined by things out of my control? - the weather, other peoples' approval or disapproval, my state of tiredness, hormonal surges, even the books I read, the movies I watch, or the music I listen to.
Some of these things I can control to a certain extent. I can try to influence my schedule to allow for enough sleep. I try to avvoid books, movies and music that make me sad or frightened .However approval/disapproval, weather and hormones are harder to controll, though I have resolved to stay away from hormone therapy (a 3 month trial for menopause related problems had me on an emotional roller coaster, the like of which I had experienced neither when I was pregnant or breast-feeding). And regarding the weather I have made up my mind that I need to get away from Norway in the winter, and to this end, have just completed the purchase of a house on Crete.
Still, it is frightening to see how little direct control I have over my emotions. All these efforts are after all manipulations of the environment, because I lack direct control. I once read a book on cognitive therapy. The premise seemed to be that half unconscious negative thoughts give rise to negative feelings, causing more negative thoughts and so on. I am not certain that that is always the case. The weather, hormones, and tiredness can affect the emotions directly it seems to me. Then come the thoughts of self loathing, and worthlessness, which feed the hopelessness, sadness, irritability and so on.
The worst thing about this evil circle is the effect it has on the will, which becomes increasingly paralyzed as depression and brooding intensify. Interestingly this is where I find the possibility to break the circle and regain control lies. If I am able to overcome the paralysis, and break through the urge to just creep into a hole and curl up there, to carry out some task that I have set myself, for example a workout, I find my self confidence slightly increased. Enough to embark on the search toward identifying the true cause of my emotional depression. Thus by employing my will and powers of reflection, I am again able to take controll.