6 weeks
ago, when I was in California, I lost my wallet. It was a major
inconvenience, but I was able to keep my calm and look for the
lessons in this experience.
For many
years I have been scattered, unconcentrated, constantly losing
things, forgetting appointments, where I put things, what I was going
to do; somehow only just able to cope with the realities of day to
day living. I like to say it started when my first child was born.
“Ammetåke” they call it in Norwegian. It means something like
“nursing fog”. Only it didn't go away, when I stopped nursing,
and has been a bone of contention throughout my second marriage,
though, I must say, not so much since I started working with
mindfulness and meditation. In fact I've been noticing lately how
much more grounded I seem to be. I haven't forgotten something when
going to work (key card, cell phone, wallet, water bottle etc) for
weeks, and I've had no difficulty remembering appointments or
organizing my day...
Then,
yesterday I thought I had lost my wallet again. I couldn't find it
anywhere, I just remembered having had it at the gas station when I
filled the car with diesel. A feeling of black hopelessness came over
me. It all seemed for nothing, all this spiritual work, all this
practice of mindfulness, living in the here and now, of meditation
and affirmations, of trying to change my paradigm from one of
separation and each man for himself, to one of oneness with the
universe, as it taught in the Course in Miracles. I felt endlessly
alone and disillusioned. I just wanted to sit down and give up. The
thought that I would continue to sabotage my own wellbeing, and that
there was no way to avoid it filled me with dread. Then my wallet
showed up again.
But I am
shaken. I am shaken by how quickly I was ready to believe that it is
all a hoax, and that there is nothing to be learned by indulging in
spiritual practices, other than self delusion. I realize that I have
a long way still to go before I can stand fast in the face of
adversity, and not lose my faith in the fundamental goodness and
meaningfulness of Life and the Universe.
