Travel Plans

It is decided. In a week I am travelling to California to spend some time with my sister. I had good conversations, both with her and with my younger brother this weekend. She looks good, sounds optimistic. She is out of the hospital, back home in California, in the environment that she loves. She does need family help and support though and my brother and I will be taking turns giving her that.  I am so grateful that I can go there now, before things "get serious", as my brother puts it. 

Part of what my brother has been doing and what will be my job as well is keeping the health care ball rolling, which is in itself a major undertaking. It is something that I do all the time at work: checking with my patients to see if things are moving along, and if they seem to have ground to a halt get them started again. But I expect it to be a challenge, doing it as a family member in a country that doesn't have uniform systems in place.

The past weeks as I have been waiting - waiting to hear news, waiting to connect with her -  I have become more and more clear that I want to go see her now. I can always go back later - in fact I probably will, maybe a couple of times. And just in case I got all my christmas shopping and baking out of the way while I was waiting. 

But there is a lot to organize: time off work and care for my critters being most important. At first I thought I would just take Lucy with me, but for one thing it turns out to be outrageously expensive - easily as much as having her in a kennel for 2 weeks, and then there is the thought of her being cooped up in a crate for 17 to 19 hours. So I decided to scrap that idea, and have arranged for a very nice kennel for 10 days, after which my ex will bring her to my oldest daughter who will keep her til I come back. As for the cats,  I already brought one of them to my oldest son last weekend when my daughter and I went to Trondheim to celebrate a vegan thanksgiving with him and his partner. My ex and my neighbor will take turns taking care of the other 2 cats in my home. Luckily the farm where I live needs my ex to work so that he has some reason to be here. But I am so grateful for my neighbor, my ex, my kids - especially my oldest daughter, for all their help and support, and for my supervisor at work who made 6 shifts go away. I have 6 shifts during the time I am to be away and she has given me compassionate leave for 4 of them, and is letting me make up the other 2 at a later time. 

One tricky thing is how to get to the airport. There is no train early enough, but I can take the airport bus at 3:30. Except how to get to the bus station? My neighbor and I usually drive each other to the bus or train when one of us is travelling, and in fact I will be taking her to the bus on thursday, however she isn't coming back until later on the morning of my departure. We finally figured out that if I leave my car at the busstop then she can drive it home when she arrives. Good solution! So slowly but surely everything has been falling into place today. 

Do Less (and achieve more?)

I've been following a blog that has been running a series on doing less. I always have a to do list that is much longer than is realistic to fit into the day. The idea of having "nothing to do" stresses me beyond belief, as does the thought of all the things I want to do but can't get to. :P

I KNOW that I need to practice stillness and listening. This blog even has some practical tips which I intend to try out. Such as drinking my tea while staring out the window. This is not one of the tips from the blog, but lately when I walk the dog, I find myself succumbing to the urge to just lie down in the moss, or sit with my back against a tree and stare at the sky...

Another suggestion is sitting with uncomfortable feelings. My sister is very very sick and she is in a time zone 9 hours different from mine. This situation is overwhelming and frustrating and brings up all kinds of uncomfortable feelings: feelings of (anticipated) loss, irrasjonal feelings of rejection, envy and jealousy of the people who get to spend time with my sister everyday.  Feelings it is not easy to live with, even to admit to having. Dealing with  uncomfortable feelings reminds me being pregnant and nursing. Even though I didn't seem to be doing anything, the state itself demanded a lot of my energy and I needed more sleep and had less energy. That is how grieving, dreading, worrying and reaching out but not being able to connect is affecting me. It takes an awful lot of energy.

And one of the things I have been inspired to do because of this "do less" blog series is to cut back on the amount of stuff I am trying to fit into my day, which included a number of spiritual practices. I have cut back to 2 practices: a daily yoga practice and a chakra cleanse meditation - but am doing these religiously. Other than that I am trying to cut myself some slack and not demand so incredibly much of myself. I have stopped taking on extra shifts, and I need to give myself permission to sleep more, and even to escape into the world of books and movies/tv-series and mindless puzzles now and then without beating myself up about it.

I don't know about sitting with uncomfortable feelings. I think it is necesary to acknowledge them, and maybe tapp on them. But what I really want to do is focus on the unconditional love that I also have for my sister, on the happy memories thoughout the years, the desire to comfort and support her in what is most important to her. And that seems to be her teaching and her music. This may seem a strange way to do it, but my sister is a gifted educator and enthusiastic musician  and so I have been listening to and singing along to "The Sound of Music" and "Mary Poppins", as a way to connect with her, when the 9 hour time difference and our respective proffessional commitments make it impossible to connect in person.

Walking in Yorkshire: Summary

I must say, I am enamored of this form of holiday making: each day started with a splendid breakfast after which it was spent outdoors, walking for 6 or 7 hours, surrounded by spectacular scenery, with about an hours break for lunch at some cafe or pub along the way. When, at the end of the day I reached my lodging, tired and sweaty, my suitcase had " magically arrived". I would take a hot shower or bath, massage my feet, and if there was intenet download some pictures to facebook, before going for supper to a nearby pub. By 8:30 to 9pm I crawled between the sheets, and slept like a dream until 6:30 or 7, so that I could do 20 minutes of yoga to stretch and limber up before breakfast.

Lucy adjusted quite well to the change in routine. I doubled her food, feeding her both morning and evening and carrying dried fish to give her at lunch time. After her evening meal she went straight to sleep and didn't move until she saw me preparing for our day's walk. Then she was all excited and tried to pull off my clothes as fast as I was putting them on! As the days progressed she was less and less inclined to bother about people patting her, or dogs coming over for a sniff. Maybe she was tired. Maybe she just realized that everyone was friendly.

I need to spend a few minutes describing the "full english breakfast". It is a meal that makes anything but a very light lunch superfluous. It starts with fruit, cold cereal with either milk or yogurt, orange and/or apple juice, coffee or tea, and toast with butter and jam (one place had nutella and honey as well). Then comes the hot breakfast: fried eggs, bacon, sausages, tomatoes and mushrooms. Sometimes there are also beans, hash browns, and black pudding. Or you could have kippers, a kind of salt herring, and if you didn't want cold cereal, they were happy to make oatmeal porridge for you instead. The fruit was prunes, grapefruit, melon, strawberries, cherries or a combination of these. one place had fruit salad. The breakfast was always delicious and it was invariably a feast!

And though I walked alone, I kept meeting others who were walking the same path or a similar one. Sometimes they stayed at the same lodging, other times we met on the road or at the cafe which was generally strategically located for lunch. That first morning at breakfast, I met the younger english couple with the black dog, whom I was to meet again and again along the way. The second night and a good bit of the third day I spent in the company of a group of 5 australians. There was also another older english couple whom I met again and again. Then there were the 2 elderly gentlemen from the Netherlands, and the couple from Colorado. And so, though I mostly walked alone, by my own preference, there was almost always someone familiar to talk to over breakfast and sometimes over supper as well.

I am certain that this was just the first of many long distance walking holidays. The Cumbria Way in the lake country has been warmly recommended, and then there is the coastal path of Cornwall. i would dearly love to explore Ireland and Wales as well...

Walking along the Yorkshire Coast

The last 2 days of my walk went south along the Yorkshire coast from Saltburn by the Sea to Skarborough. Actually I only walked as far as Robin Hood's Bay where I had left the car, but because Mickledore had been unable to find accomodation there for me with the dog, my last night was in Scarborough. But more on that later. 

The landlady at The Victorian Guest House had taken a real shine to Lucy and after my delicious breakfast where I only ordered the eggs and bacon but skipped the sausages she said: "You should have taken the sausages as well and let the dog have them!" 

The first day was a day of cliffs and beaches and historical landmarks. We were constantly passed by runners walkers and other dogs. Lucy isn't bothered anymore. I forgot to put on sunscreen and got sunburned. 

The charm bracelett. A tribute to iron mining that used to go on in this area.

This farm facinated me, the way it sat isolated at the edge of the cliffs, far from any neighbors, with sheep and horses grazing in the fields around. I would love to live like this!

Straithes where I had lunch, a delicious salad sandwich and banana smoothie at an outdoor cafe near the harbor. 

My last day was the longest day of all - and the sunniest. Luckily I remembered to put on sun screen today.

I had spent the night at Runswick Bay. The couple with the black dog whom I had met several times along the route were in the same accomodation. I had been a bit envious that they could let their dog off leash as it just stayed glued to their side. Today I learned of the foibles of their dog. While I could just leave Lucy in the hotel room and go out on my own for dinner and for breakfast in the morning, they could not leave their dog alone because it would scratch on the doors. Anyway, the walk from Runswick Bay started along the beach and we had been told by the landlady that the tides were good for walking in the morning. Apparently at high tide it is impossible to cross the beach without getting wet feet. However when we left, the people with the black dog and I with Lucy, the tide was out. And here I let Lucy off the leash for the first time on the beach and it was great to see her frolic about, and play with the other dog. When we left the beach I took her back on the leash however, where she stayed for the rest of the walk.

Whitby, of Dracula fame, is a fascinating town, and the Cleveland way takes you right past St Mary's church, and the Whitby Abbey ruins, which I took the time to visit. Other than that the path followed the cliffs, where there was the constant sound of breakers, and sea birds wheeling in the air. Sheep and cattle grazing on the cliff-side meadows. Now and then the path would dip into a little ravine where a stream - or beck, as they call it here - cut it's way down to the sea.

Celtic cross outside St Mary's church.

Whitby abbey seen through a whale bone arch.

After 7.5 hours of walking, as well as 1,5 hours sightseeing in Whitby, I was hot and tired when I got to Robin Hood's Bay, and found my car parked where I'd left it 5 days ago by the village church. A half hours drive took me into Skarborough where I was lucky enough to find a parking space very close to Robyn's guest House where I would be staying.  The landlady was very friendly and took me up to a room at the top of the house. After a shower I went to eat at a sweet cafe called "the coffee pot" just down the road. Though this B&B had the best internet of all of them, I went straight to bed when I got back from dinner. Lucy had gone to sleep already, under the bed.

I was wakened at about 5 am by a dog fight in the street below. I had left the window open because I wanted to hear the sea gulls. I ended up drowsing away another 2 hours while listening to the cries of the sea birds.

At 9am I pulled out of my parking spot, armed with the driving instructions which my landlady had printed for me. 5.5 hours later found me pulling into Harwich International Port.

The voyage was uneventful, and my trip ended with the 8 hr drive home through Denmark and Sweden. And then my first ever long distance walking experience was over.

Walking in Yorkshire: the North York Moor

The first 3 days were spent walking over the north York moors, gradually heading toward the sea. 

Day 1: I rose at 6:15, had breakfast at 7:30. Met several other walkers at breakfast: an English couple about my age who also have a dog, a couple from Colorado, and an older English couple. Also the man who let me in last night and his father. They are walking the Coast to Coast trail, as are the Australians. 

Stations of the Passion on the way to Lady Chapel

Lady Chapel

I left at 8:10. There are 2 places worth visiting near Osmotherly and I detoured to visit both of them. First Lady's Chapel. The Chapel of Our Lady of Mount Grace was founded in 1515 by Catherine of Aragon, the first of Henry VIII's six wives. It is now a popular place of pilgrimage as evidenced by crosses marking the stations of the passion of Christ as you approach the lovely little church.

Mount Grace Priory Manor House and Gardens

After visiting the church I went to visit Mount Grace Priory. To get to it I had to go through a farm and some fields and pastures in which cows and sheep were grazing. Then through a bit of woods. Mount Grace Priory which was founded in 1398 was a Carthusian Monastery. The monks, under a vow of silence, were housed in small individual cells where they lived, ate and prayed. Each cell had a square hole in the wall through which the monk received his food, yet it was so angled that he could not even see the person who brought the food. The monks lived at Mount Grace Priory for 140 years until Henry VIII closed them down. The ruins here are supposedly the best preserved Carthusian ruins in England, However they are situated behind a manor house, with lovely gardens and a sign that dogs are not welcome. It was also closed. So all I got was pictures of the manor house and gardens from the tarmac. On my way back to the Cleveland Way (that being the path I am following), I met the couple from Colorado coming down. The Priory was just opening so they were in for a treat. I saw them later in the day as well, they had visited the priory and gardens, and caught me up. As they disappeared ahead of me it was the last I saw of them. I think they must be doing twice the distance of everyone else per day. 

Lucy

Back on the Cleveland way, the path went first through farmland. Lucy,was excited about the rabbits and pheasants.  Where I entered the first moor there was a bench where I rested and had some chocolate, giving Lucy a piece of dried fish. The trail led over a moor, then along a farm track until it turned off into a forest, where there was forestry going on. It was sad to see the huge stumps and hear the crash of newly felled trees. Eventually we entered the moor again, a long stretch this time. 

Lord Stones Cafe

One of the Lord Stones

When we came down to the Lord Stones cafe at 1pm it was definitely lunch time. I had a wonderful chicken salad (free range herb fed chicken), a glass of fresh pressed orange juice and a cafe mocha. Then I went to look at the Lord stones before continuing on my way. They are the boundary markers where the lands of 3 lords met. Afterwards it only took 20 minutes to climb up to the stone seat, from which I had planned to make my way along local footpaths to my accommodation. However it seemed to early for that, so I continued along the moor instead: steeply down, then steeply up again, through a large rocky outcrop, with bronze age carvings, known as "the Wainestones" and along the top until the path again descended steeply to the road. 

Me and the Dog at the stone seat 

View from the stone seat. Somewhere down there is my accommodation. 

Stone wall

Wainestones

Here I phoned the landlord from a car park and he came and picked us up. Myself and 3 Australians. The Australians were met at the accommodation by another Austrailian couple who were going to walk the last 3 days with them. The accommodation is a converted farmhouse. When we arrived we were offered tea and shortbread in the living room. My room is huge with 3 beds. The doors have no keys, but there are only 8 guests, all walkers. Besides the 5 Australians and myself, there was the younger English couple with the dog. After tea, I showered, and massaged my feet and Lucy's paws. Then, since we were located in the middle of nowhere, we were driven to the closest village which has one pub, The Black Swan,  where we could have dinner. I was invited by the Australians to join them in the dining room, which was very nice of them. I had duck, mashed sweet potato and salad. Our landlord sat in the bar watching the football game. England lost to Uruguay (I think) that night, but drove us back to our lodging when we were done eating. The couple with the dog ate in the bar, where they could have the dog with them. This is apparently generally accepted in England. I had left Lucy asleep in our room. Later I learned that their dog who could walk off leash most of the time, could not be left alone in a room without scratching at the door.

26 km. 6:50 hrs. 3.82 km/hr

Our room at Drumondby Bridge Bed and Breakfast

Day 2: Slept like a log and did some yoga in the morning to stretch my tired muscles. Breakfast was at 8 am  and then we were driven back to Clay Bank and started our walk. I walked just in front of or just behind the 5 Australians until our paths diverged. The moor today was not as dramatic, but there were a lot of sheep which excited Lucy greatly. Also saw a WWII fighter plane doing loops aver our heads. 

bronze age burial mound

One of many wierd stones

Sheep

Eventually I caught up with the couple who have the dog and we walked near each other all the way to The Kildale tea rooms where we had lunch. They left the tea rooms before me and I didn't see them again today. I had a brie and tomato sandwich on thick slices of fresh brown bread, salad and chips, fresh juice and a latte. The tea rooms were cute. Obviously a family business -  there was a sign on the door saying how they close early on mondays to take their daughters to their ukelele lessons after school. Only the father was there when I arrived, he had sent his wife home because business was slow, and got caught alone in the lunch rush. He was sooo stressed, rushing around like a chicken without a head.

Glebe Cottage Tea Rooms in Kildale

Approaching Captain Cook Monument

View from the Monument. The large village is my destination.

The rest of today's walk was through farmland and forest to the Captain Cook Monument. Captain Cook seems to be a big hero around here. At the Monument I left the Cleveland Way to take local footpaths through forest and farms down to Little Ayton and then the road to Great Ayton, where I was booked in at the Royal Oak inn. My room here is pleasant and there's a bathtub. So the first thing I did was have a long soak, before having vegetarian Lasagne for supper downstairs, while Lucy went straight to sleep. My feet are hurting like the dickens and I wonder whether I have taken on too much with 5 days. 

22.5 km, 6:30 hrs, 3.45 km/hr

Royal Oak Inn in Great Ayton

Day 3: Delicious breakfas this morning, but way too much. it was my first chance to try black pudding, but I was dissappointed. I found it to be very dry. The sausages I wrapped in a napkin to give to Lucy later in the day. The older english couple were at breakfast today. The couple with the dog must be staying somewhere else. The landlord was very sweet. He drove us all to the monument car park after breakfast. As we arrived he pointed to a pond and said a set of his car keys were there somewhere. He and his children had been playing hide and seek and he'd lost his keys. He had had to run back to the town to get the spare keys. Before leaving he gave hugs all around. 

Roseberry Topping

Roseberry Topping

My first goal was to climb Roseberry topping, a distinctive hilltop that I have seen in the distance throughout the last 2 days. There were a lot of people with dogs coming and going there, and Lucy has given up picking fights. She's also been more relaxed about strange people and didn't bark at all at horses,cows and sheep which we passed.

The Cleveland Way continues toward the sea

The hikers whom I keep meeting up with: the older English couple and the couple with the dog. 

View of Skelton, Skelton Castle and the sea

A beautiful wood approaching Saltburn

An artistic bench in the woods/park approaching Saltburn

My feet didn't hurt so much today. I mostly feel it in my legs. Its been a hot and sunny day with little wind. Lucy was tired by the time we got to Skelton and kept trying to go up the walk to various houses, hoping it was our accommodation for the night I think. At Victoria house in Saltburn we got room on the third floor a view to the cliffs where I'll be walking tomorrow. Victoria house has a fantastic Victorian atmosphere, the pictures, knick-knacks, furniture, even a grate in my attic room. I had a wonderful shower, massaged my feet and Lucy's pads, then had some tea and sweets before going out for dinner.

Our room at Victoria House

Had an absolutely fabulous dinner at Jadoo Indian restaurant.: first papadum, a crisp flatbread with yogurt mint sauce and a mango sauce. Then lamb in a mild nut curry with pieces of fresh pineapple and mango. The vegetable rice pilaf turned out to be white rice coloured pink, orange, yellow and white ( by different vegetables). For desert I had coconut and honey nan. All with Indian pop music playing in the background.

20.5 km, 6:20 hrs, 3.3 km/hr

Walking in Yorkshire: Preparation and getting there

It has always been my dream to do a walking holiday in the Yorkshire dales, so when I found myself with 2 weeks of vacation and no hard and fast plans I decided now was the right time. I have loved the Herriot books since I was a child, and this spring I discovered the tv series. It also turns out that the ship from Denmark to England is to stop running in September. Taking my own car over on the ferry seemed, after a good bit of research, to be the best way to make the trip, if I wanted to take my dog - which I did. Flying her to England is way to expensive and the train in England is very expensive as well.

There was a good bit of preparation involved. I ordered the holiday through a company that booked me into B&Bs at suitable walking distances, choosing accommodation that allowed dogs. They will transport my bag from place to place so that I don't have to carry everything on my back. They also arranged for a taxi to take me from where I park the car to where my journey starts, and sent me maps, a guide book and lists of pubs, shops and caffes along the way where I can buy dinner, lunch etc. I have spent a good number of hours studying the maps, and finding and printing driving directions. Yesterday I had to take Lucy to the vet to get worm and tick medicine.

According to Google maps it is an eight and a half hour drive to the ferry in Esbjerg, Denmark. I figured to be on the safe side I'd give it 12 hours and so I drove out of the driveway at 6 am this morning. As usual on the night before a journey, I didn't get to bed until midnight, and was wide awake at 4:30. It was cold this morning, only 5 C, and cloudy as I drove down through Østfold, singing to an Abba cd. Crossed over into Sweden at 7 am and an hour later I stopped for breakfast and to walk Lucy. It was still cool, but I sat in the sun at a picnic table to have my yogurt with honey and smoothie. The drive through Sweden was a bit tedious, though it was a gorgeous day. I stopped again at 10:30 to get an ice coffee and walk Lucy again.

The bridge over to Denmark is spectacular! You kind of feel suspended between the dark blue of the sea, with a bank of windmills to the left, and here and there a sailboat; and the paler blues of the sky, with its feathery clouds and seagulls floating on the wind.

When we arrived at the ferry port at 4:40 pm, they were already checking in. I handed my ticket, passport and pet passport to the lady and she gave me the gizmo to read off the chip. Once I was parked in lane 1, the lane reserved for motorcycles and people with dogs, I had half an hour to walk Lucy around the port area, and give her food and water before boarding commenced at 5:30 pm.

While all the folks with motorcycles got busy strapping them down, Lucy curled right up on the back seat of the car. She's exhausted after all the driving, I think. At 7:30 they'll take those of us who have dogs down to the deck to us to exercise them. There's a sand box that they're supposed to pee and poop in. It looks more appropriate for cats. Lucy willingly got into it, but had no idea what I wanted her to do there. I understand it's okay if they go on the car deck as long as we pick up after them. As for me, I'm about ready to hit the sack, and look forward to being rocked to sleep by the waves.

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I got up early and spent some time standing on the deck watching the sea and the sky, before seeing to Lucy who had slept like a log in the car. After breakfast I went back to my cabin. I did some yoga, which was quite a challenge with the movement of the ship. The rocking of the ship also made me really sleepy, I found it hard to stay awake to meditate or read.

First glimpse of England at Harwich: families of Swans and ducks :)

At noon we arrived in Harwich, and customs took no time at all. Getting used to driving on the left was not very difficult, though it worried me that there were no speed limit signs. There had been some signs about the speed limits with conversions to km, but they were partially hidden behind bushes, and it's not like you could pull off onto the shoulder to study them. British roads don't have shoulders. Most of the drive was through flat landscape on the motorway. Stopped at Petersborough, just north of Cambridge for lunch at 2:30 pm, then continued on. The last hour was in the North York Moors National Park, and it was spectacular!  Especially when the sea suddenly materialized before me.

Arrived at Robin Hoods bay at 7:40 pm. The post office which sells tickets for several days parking was closed, and the machine only sells parking for 24 hrs, but the taxi driver showed me where I could park for free near the church. He then took me to Osmotherly.

No one is at home here at Vane House. I stood in front of the door for a while until one of the guests came and let me in. But, since the pubs all close at 9 I will likely not be getting any dinner tonight.

Nobody home at the B&B :(

Oh ye of little faith...

6 weeks ago, when I was in California, I lost my wallet. It was a major inconvenience, but I was able to keep my calm and look for the lessons in this experience.

For many years I have been scattered, unconcentrated, constantly losing things, forgetting appointments, where I put things, what I was going to do; somehow only just able to cope with the realities of day to day living. I like to say it started when my first child was born. “Ammetåke” they call it in Norwegian. It means something like “nursing fog”. Only it didn't go away, when I stopped nursing, and has been a bone of contention throughout my second marriage, though, I must say, not so much since I started working with mindfulness and meditation. In fact I've been noticing lately how much more grounded I seem to be. I haven't forgotten something when going to work (key card, cell phone, wallet, water bottle etc) for weeks, and I've had no difficulty remembering appointments or organizing my day...

Then, yesterday I thought I had lost my wallet again. I couldn't find it anywhere, I just remembered having had it at the gas station when I filled the car with diesel. A feeling of black hopelessness came over me. It all seemed for nothing, all this spiritual work, all this practice of mindfulness, living in the here and now, of meditation and affirmations, of trying to change my paradigm from one of separation and each man for himself, to one of oneness with the universe, as it taught in the Course in Miracles. I felt endlessly alone and disillusioned. I just wanted to sit down and give up. The thought that I would continue to sabotage my own wellbeing, and that there was no way to avoid it filled me with dread. Then my wallet showed up again.

But I am shaken. I am shaken by how quickly I was ready to believe that it is all a hoax, and that there is nothing to be learned by indulging in spiritual practices, other than self delusion. I realize that I have a long way still to go before I can stand fast in the face of adversity, and not lose my faith in the fundamental goodness and meaningfulness of Life and the Universe.

Detachment

After working with mindfullness and meditation for nearly a year, I have found that deep peace that Eckhart Tolle talks about. In Stillness Speaks he says: 

"Your acceptance of what is takes you to a deeper level. When you can accept this moment as it is, you can feel a sense of spaciousness within you that is deeply peacefull. On the surface you may still be happy when it's sunny, and not so happy when it's rainy. You may be happy at winning a million dollars and unhappy at losing all your possessions. Neither happiness nor unhappiness go all that deep anymore. They are ripples on the surface of your being. The background peace within you remains undisturbed regardless of the nature of the outside condition.

I experienced this peace and detachment when I crashed a car in january, and again when I left my ipad (with all my books, my cookbook, adress book, journal and notes on it), as well as my wallet with credit cards and drivers licence on a train while travelling in California in March. At first it was: "wow, mindfulness and meditation are working!", I mean even when the insurance company decided that the crash was my fault and I recieved a hefty repair bill, and even though my ipad and cards never showed up again, my inner peace was not shaken.

But I've been wondering. Even though I have achieved that deep seated peace and detachment from the roller coaster of life, I have not experienced bliss. I do not experience certainty of purpose. By that I mean, that I do not feel certain of the purpose of my life, or any life. 

And so now I am wondering. Is it really peace? or is it indifference?
Is all this spiritual practice making me a more effective human being in the world? 
Or am I losing touch with reality, and just sort of coasting along until one day I find myself in a nursing home, having been no good to anyone, and no closer to knowing what this life was all about?

Lost

Today nothing went as planned. I had packed and planned ahead. I knew which train I had to take to San Jose, and how to get to the greyhound station to take the bus north to McKinnleyville, where I was planning to visit my friend, Sally for a couple of days. I had bought stamps so that I could spend the 4 hr layover in Oakland writing postcards to people back home. I was planning to study "a return to love" by Marianne Williamsen on the 6.5 hr bus ride to Arcata. But that's not how the day went. 

I left my purse containing my iPad and wallet on the train when I got off at San Jose. The train had already left the platform when I discovered what had happened. I ended up spending the rest of the day trying to locate my bag, to no avail. I called customer service from from San Jose, I took a train to the lost and found in Santa Clara, before finally admitting my stupidity to Roland and making my way back to his house feeling like a total idiot and a complete imposition. Roland was very nice about it and was totally on board with having me for a couple more days, but when I called Sally, she said she wanted to come and get me. She's leaving tonight, and arriving early tomorrow morning to pick me up.

For the past few days I've been thinking about the things that make me feel safe and whole. Things with which I tend to identify: my career, my relationships, being a mother, living in the country, having a dog, being able to travel. Now I am suddenly discovering how attached I am to a piece of electronic equipment - my iPad. It has my diary, my books, my address book, my cookbook, my calendar, a meditation, all kinds of notes, and my connection to the Internet with email, blogs, Facebook, Carcassonne, yoga etc. and then there's my wallet containing my credit cards, drivers license, Norwegian Imigration card, stamps etc. without my iPad, I feel naked. Without my wallet, I feel paralyzed. 

The lack of those two items makes me feel so helpless. And it was still a beautiful, warm, sunshiny day, with the scent of flowers and friendly people and a train where they didn't check my tickets, because though I had accidentally bought 4 tickets instead of one, they were in the missing bag. And I have clothes to wear and a couple of good books in my suitcase.  I still have my phone and my passport and my bus and plane tickets, because they were in my backpack. I have a brother and sister-in-law with whom I can stay and who could lend me money. He even let me use his iPad this evening. His orange tree is still providing oranges and his lemon tree, lemonade. And I know my meditation by heart. So really, I am fine.