I've been back at college for a week. A few people asked how things went with Father, and I told them. Other than that, Norwegians seem to be incredibly reticent about mentioning anything to do with Father's death. Not that they know him, but it's been no secret that I have lost my father. I think the only reason my student colleagues asked is because they didn't know that he had died. None of my work colleagues have breathed a word, although 32 of them are on facebook. Well, I haven't been to work yet since I got back. Someone might say something.
The short and long of it is though that I feel kind of invisible. As soon as my mind is at rest it goes to Father and Mother, to our family that doesn't exist any more as we knew it. I miss them. I miss Mother, Roland and Sharon, and Ilian, and Adam and his family and "the boys" (Beren and Tormod).
Still, for the most part I have been keeping busy this week: a theme day on organ harvesting and transplant surgery on monday, classes on anesthesia on tuesday and wednesday. I am 2 weeks behind the rest of the class with a research project. I was hoping I wouldn't have to do it - but no such luck. Though I do get to do a shortened version and I get more time. Still I have been slaving over research since thursday and all weekend.
We visited my in-laws this weekend. Stayed with my brother-in-law and family. Much more relaxing than previous visits where we have stayed with Husband's parents. The children are wonderful: Cathrine, age 13 and Christian, age 6. Jan Kåre and Marie have done a good job with them. I think the same thing when I see Adam's children: Hanna, 16 and Ben, 12. Great kids. Why was it such a struggle for me? Because I had 4, not 2? Because I had them so close together? Maybe. I think though that the real reason is that in both these families the parents cooperate very well with each other, while in my case, my ex and I never worked well together. Then when we came apart I was overwhelmed and he was unsupportive; and it was the children who suffered.
Don't be hard on yourself, Gudrun. You have 4 really great children - young adults - that I am proud to say are my nieces and nephews. As to feeling invisible and thoughts constantly turning to Mother and Father and the siblings, their spouses and children, and Beren - that is happening a lot to me too. So many things that I say and do came from father. Now I'm hyper-conscious about it. We'll get used to it. yeah, and I'm checking everyone's blog more regularly now too.
ReplyDeleteIlian
ehm.. I just want to say, that you did not fall short when it came to your kids!
ReplyDeleteI think we all turned out pretty well, and you have no idea how incredibly proud I am to have you as my mother. That you actually managed to raise 4 kids (practically on your own) and work, AND get an education is the most amazing thing ever! I have no idea how you did it, but I am so thankful of the way I was raised, of the person I have become thanks to you and the fact that we have the greatest mother in the universe..
I really look up to you, and when I get kids, I will be lucky if I manage to do half as good a job as you did with us :)
LOVE YOU MOM! <3 :)
I didn't mean that you all didn't turn out well. More that it was a bumpy road and I often wasn't sure whether things would turn out good or not. But I am pleased that you all remember your childhood as a happy one - that is the most important thing I think.
ReplyDelete