Counting blessings

It's supposed to be Thanksgiving for Gods sake. A day for counting your blessings. Why then do I find myself listing up everything that I am unhappy about. Why do I feel so lacking in energy and motivation? Why do I feel so strangely dissatisfied? Is it just because of the cold, the grey, bleakness of winter, the cold wind that blows right through me freezing me to the marrow?

Why do I focus on the chill and bleakness outside, instead of the fire crackling comfortably in the stove, the scent of cinnamon stars and chocolate hearts bringing the promise of sweetness to come?

Why is it the bleakness that gets to me, instead of the snow on the ground, softening and lightening the sharp contours, the shortness of the days and length of nights instead of the gleaming stars, studding the sky like jewels, and moonlight flooding the snowcovered ground, filling the night with silver light. 

My life is comfortable, full of challenges: I am learning spanish, I am learning new, more effective ways to train my dog.

I am living in a country which seems to have avvoided the brunt of the economic crisis; free from the threats of massive layoffs, and reduced pensions. Where there is national health, where the work week for those working round the clock shifts has been reduced to 35,5 hrs. 

I love my work: I find it challenging and rewarding. Okay, so I don't feel properly  valued at my current job. But I have another job waiting for me: where I seem to be greatly in demand and where I will be able to grow proffessionally. Yes, I studied nurse anesthesia, and yes, it is proving nigh impossible to get a nurse anesthetist job. But have I not always loved ER nursing? Am I not finding myself more capable and competent as a result of my anesthesia training? So it isn't for nothing is it?

I love my husband. So why do I keep wondering what it would be like to be alone? I know what it would be like. It would be lonely!! Why focus on the areas of conflict when there are so many areas of harmony? We share so many values: ecology, economic prudence, a love of traveling and exploring the world, a love of animals. And face it: if it werent' for him I probably wouldn't be staying in shape. The house would be mess, not to speak of cold (Husband is, after all, the one who vacuums weekly, dusts monthly, and paints shabby looking walls, not to speak of cutting and splitting the logs of firewood that are delivered each winter from the common forrest, from which my farm has firewood rights). Cooking and baking would be boring, with no one to enjoy the product of my culinary exertions, and I would probably be bankrupt. 

While I am counting blessings let me mention how I enjoy the close relationships with my sister and mother. And how I enjoy watching from afar as the children struggle along at various stages of creating their adult lives and finding their places as adults in the world. I am so gratefull that they let me share and watch. 

The sun just came out. I read once that it is all a question of focus. And I see, now that I have finished this post that I have made the transition from depression and negativity, to hope and thankfullness.