I'm a little nervous about putting this post "out there". I haven't written or talked much about my spiritual activities except to people who I know are positive, and then only about the parts that are positive. With this post you could say I come out of the closet.
Yesterday evening I gave a so-called "free rendering" of the 15th First Class lesson. We are a group of about a dozen members of the anthroposophical "First Class" who meet on the first sunday of every month to share our work with the "First Class" meditations, either through a discussion, or by listening to a free rendering of the month's lesson by the Reader. Back before the First Class was published and thus made generally available to the public, members used to gather and listen to the Reader read the lesson as it was given by Rudolf Steiner back in 1924. After the publication of the First Class it has become more common that the Reader gives a free rendering, a kind of personal interpretation of the lesson. Some groups are also experimenting with group discussions on the lesson, with or without an introduction by one of the members. The group to which I belong alternates between a free rendering and a discussion every other month. However when our Reader turned to me after the group discussion in December and asked if I would like to give a free rendering in January, I felt surprised, honored, disbelieving, frightened, unworthy, unqualified... but I said yes, thinking that at least I had the 11 days in Crete to prepare.
I have spent a long time on the preparation: studying Steiner's text, meditating on the mantras, writing down my thoughts as a result of the study and the meditation. Then gradually narrowing it down to one theme and focusing on that. I was guided to do most of the actual meditation outdoors, either sitting under a tree or (once) on the edge of a cliff, or walking through woods and fields in the rain. After a few days of meditation, I would spend a couple of hours on the computer trying to give some form to my thoughts. Usually with a picture of Rudolf Steiner propped up nearby. I tried to call on his spirit to guide me in my work, knowing that he too had struggled to find words to express experiences and conditions that are beyond words.
In the School of the Modern Mystic, of which I have nearly completed level 1, I have learned that undeveloped spirits try to influence the egoic mind through feelings either of fear (Ahriman) or self aggrandizement (Lucifer). I tried to be aware that the thoughts and feelings of fear, and of being unqualified and unworthy were an Ahrimanic influence; that thoughts of wanting to impress and so on were a Luciferic temptation. And I made my focus that I wanted my interpretation be useful to the audience. And also that I wanted it to be a true expression of the spiritual purpose of the School, which exists in the spiritual world as the School of the Archangel Michael. And so before getting up onto the podium I channeled White Light through my energy field, and then called on the Archangel Michael to guide and inspire me, and prayed for my presentation to bless the lives of the audience. And while giving the lesson I tried to feel him standing behind me, his wings shadowing me, his hands on my shoulders. I tried to ground into my feet, and into my hands. I managed to be very present most of the time. A bit of worry that my presentation was too short kept creeping in. A bit of worry that people would judge me for drinking water from a camel back flask (how stupid!).
During the speech, I felt totally (almost) present. Afterward I was drained and my legs shook. How did people receive it? One person expressed that he wished we had time for discussion. One person asked if I teach often. They remarked on the form of the presentation (which I think was thanks to the Archangel Michaels presence). The fact that there was a desire for discussion is confirmation that I was able to raise questions and present my interpretations in a way that gave people something to take hold of and aroused a desire to work with it further. The woman with cancer was there - I had included some of Anita Moorjana's insights specifically because I hoped that they would be significant to her in her situation.
Yesterday evening I gave a so-called "free rendering" of the 15th First Class lesson. We are a group of about a dozen members of the anthroposophical "First Class" who meet on the first sunday of every month to share our work with the "First Class" meditations, either through a discussion, or by listening to a free rendering of the month's lesson by the Reader. Back before the First Class was published and thus made generally available to the public, members used to gather and listen to the Reader read the lesson as it was given by Rudolf Steiner back in 1924. After the publication of the First Class it has become more common that the Reader gives a free rendering, a kind of personal interpretation of the lesson. Some groups are also experimenting with group discussions on the lesson, with or without an introduction by one of the members. The group to which I belong alternates between a free rendering and a discussion every other month. However when our Reader turned to me after the group discussion in December and asked if I would like to give a free rendering in January, I felt surprised, honored, disbelieving, frightened, unworthy, unqualified... but I said yes, thinking that at least I had the 11 days in Crete to prepare.
I have spent a long time on the preparation: studying Steiner's text, meditating on the mantras, writing down my thoughts as a result of the study and the meditation. Then gradually narrowing it down to one theme and focusing on that. I was guided to do most of the actual meditation outdoors, either sitting under a tree or (once) on the edge of a cliff, or walking through woods and fields in the rain. After a few days of meditation, I would spend a couple of hours on the computer trying to give some form to my thoughts. Usually with a picture of Rudolf Steiner propped up nearby. I tried to call on his spirit to guide me in my work, knowing that he too had struggled to find words to express experiences and conditions that are beyond words.
In the School of the Modern Mystic, of which I have nearly completed level 1, I have learned that undeveloped spirits try to influence the egoic mind through feelings either of fear (Ahriman) or self aggrandizement (Lucifer). I tried to be aware that the thoughts and feelings of fear, and of being unqualified and unworthy were an Ahrimanic influence; that thoughts of wanting to impress and so on were a Luciferic temptation. And I made my focus that I wanted my interpretation be useful to the audience. And also that I wanted it to be a true expression of the spiritual purpose of the School, which exists in the spiritual world as the School of the Archangel Michael. And so before getting up onto the podium I channeled White Light through my energy field, and then called on the Archangel Michael to guide and inspire me, and prayed for my presentation to bless the lives of the audience. And while giving the lesson I tried to feel him standing behind me, his wings shadowing me, his hands on my shoulders. I tried to ground into my feet, and into my hands. I managed to be very present most of the time. A bit of worry that my presentation was too short kept creeping in. A bit of worry that people would judge me for drinking water from a camel back flask (how stupid!).
During the speech, I felt totally (almost) present. Afterward I was drained and my legs shook. How did people receive it? One person expressed that he wished we had time for discussion. One person asked if I teach often. They remarked on the form of the presentation (which I think was thanks to the Archangel Michaels presence). The fact that there was a desire for discussion is confirmation that I was able to raise questions and present my interpretations in a way that gave people something to take hold of and aroused a desire to work with it further. The woman with cancer was there - I had included some of Anita Moorjana's insights specifically because I hoped that they would be significant to her in her situation.
I think this is so great. You're getting more involved and connected in things which you are interested in, and meanwhile working on your confidence. You ave been involved with anthroposophy you're entire life. You have a lot of life experience. You are more than capable and most definitely worthy. I think everyone who reads this can relate to core aspects of your experience, the most common fear in the world according to research is a fear of public speaking. The fact that you talk so openly about it all is actually really inspiring.
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