Walking along the Yorkshire Coast

The last 2 days of my walk went south along the Yorkshire coast from Saltburn by the Sea to Skarborough. Actually I only walked as far as Robin Hood's Bay where I had left the car, but because Mickledore had been unable to find accomodation there for me with the dog, my last night was in Scarborough. But more on that later. 

The landlady at The Victorian Guest House had taken a real shine to Lucy and after my delicious breakfast where I only ordered the eggs and bacon but skipped the sausages she said: "You should have taken the sausages as well and let the dog have them!" 

The first day was a day of cliffs and beaches and historical landmarks. We were constantly passed by runners walkers and other dogs. Lucy isn't bothered anymore. I forgot to put on sunscreen and got sunburned. 

The charm bracelett. A tribute to iron mining that used to go on in this area.

This farm facinated me, the way it sat isolated at the edge of the cliffs, far from any neighbors, with sheep and horses grazing in the fields around. I would love to live like this!

Straithes where I had lunch, a delicious salad sandwich and banana smoothie at an outdoor cafe near the harbor. 

My last day was the longest day of all - and the sunniest. Luckily I remembered to put on sun screen today.

I had spent the night at Runswick Bay. The couple with the black dog whom I had met several times along the route were in the same accomodation. I had been a bit envious that they could let their dog off leash as it just stayed glued to their side. Today I learned of the foibles of their dog. While I could just leave Lucy in the hotel room and go out on my own for dinner and for breakfast in the morning, they could not leave their dog alone because it would scratch on the doors. Anyway, the walk from Runswick Bay started along the beach and we had been told by the landlady that the tides were good for walking in the morning. Apparently at high tide it is impossible to cross the beach without getting wet feet. However when we left, the people with the black dog and I with Lucy, the tide was out. And here I let Lucy off the leash for the first time on the beach and it was great to see her frolic about, and play with the other dog. When we left the beach I took her back on the leash however, where she stayed for the rest of the walk.

Whitby, of Dracula fame, is a fascinating town, and the Cleveland way takes you right past St Mary's church, and the Whitby Abbey ruins, which I took the time to visit. Other than that the path followed the cliffs, where there was the constant sound of breakers, and sea birds wheeling in the air. Sheep and cattle grazing on the cliff-side meadows. Now and then the path would dip into a little ravine where a stream - or beck, as they call it here - cut it's way down to the sea.

Celtic cross outside St Mary's church.

Whitby abbey seen through a whale bone arch.

After 7.5 hours of walking, as well as 1,5 hours sightseeing in Whitby, I was hot and tired when I got to Robin Hood's Bay, and found my car parked where I'd left it 5 days ago by the village church. A half hours drive took me into Skarborough where I was lucky enough to find a parking space very close to Robyn's guest House where I would be staying.  The landlady was very friendly and took me up to a room at the top of the house. After a shower I went to eat at a sweet cafe called "the coffee pot" just down the road. Though this B&B had the best internet of all of them, I went straight to bed when I got back from dinner. Lucy had gone to sleep already, under the bed.

I was wakened at about 5 am by a dog fight in the street below. I had left the window open because I wanted to hear the sea gulls. I ended up drowsing away another 2 hours while listening to the cries of the sea birds.

At 9am I pulled out of my parking spot, armed with the driving instructions which my landlady had printed for me. 5.5 hours later found me pulling into Harwich International Port.

The voyage was uneventful, and my trip ended with the 8 hr drive home through Denmark and Sweden. And then my first ever long distance walking experience was over.

Walking in Yorkshire: the North York Moor

The first 3 days were spent walking over the north York moors, gradually heading toward the sea. 

Day 1: I rose at 6:15, had breakfast at 7:30. Met several other walkers at breakfast: an English couple about my age who also have a dog, a couple from Colorado, and an older English couple. Also the man who let me in last night and his father. They are walking the Coast to Coast trail, as are the Australians. 

Stations of the Passion on the way to Lady Chapel

Lady Chapel

I left at 8:10. There are 2 places worth visiting near Osmotherly and I detoured to visit both of them. First Lady's Chapel. The Chapel of Our Lady of Mount Grace was founded in 1515 by Catherine of Aragon, the first of Henry VIII's six wives. It is now a popular place of pilgrimage as evidenced by crosses marking the stations of the passion of Christ as you approach the lovely little church.

Mount Grace Priory Manor House and Gardens

After visiting the church I went to visit Mount Grace Priory. To get to it I had to go through a farm and some fields and pastures in which cows and sheep were grazing. Then through a bit of woods. Mount Grace Priory which was founded in 1398 was a Carthusian Monastery. The monks, under a vow of silence, were housed in small individual cells where they lived, ate and prayed. Each cell had a square hole in the wall through which the monk received his food, yet it was so angled that he could not even see the person who brought the food. The monks lived at Mount Grace Priory for 140 years until Henry VIII closed them down. The ruins here are supposedly the best preserved Carthusian ruins in England, However they are situated behind a manor house, with lovely gardens and a sign that dogs are not welcome. It was also closed. So all I got was pictures of the manor house and gardens from the tarmac. On my way back to the Cleveland Way (that being the path I am following), I met the couple from Colorado coming down. The Priory was just opening so they were in for a treat. I saw them later in the day as well, they had visited the priory and gardens, and caught me up. As they disappeared ahead of me it was the last I saw of them. I think they must be doing twice the distance of everyone else per day. 

Lucy

Back on the Cleveland way, the path went first through farmland. Lucy,was excited about the rabbits and pheasants.  Where I entered the first moor there was a bench where I rested and had some chocolate, giving Lucy a piece of dried fish. The trail led over a moor, then along a farm track until it turned off into a forest, where there was forestry going on. It was sad to see the huge stumps and hear the crash of newly felled trees. Eventually we entered the moor again, a long stretch this time. 

Lord Stones Cafe

One of the Lord Stones

When we came down to the Lord Stones cafe at 1pm it was definitely lunch time. I had a wonderful chicken salad (free range herb fed chicken), a glass of fresh pressed orange juice and a cafe mocha. Then I went to look at the Lord stones before continuing on my way. They are the boundary markers where the lands of 3 lords met. Afterwards it only took 20 minutes to climb up to the stone seat, from which I had planned to make my way along local footpaths to my accommodation. However it seemed to early for that, so I continued along the moor instead: steeply down, then steeply up again, through a large rocky outcrop, with bronze age carvings, known as "the Wainestones" and along the top until the path again descended steeply to the road. 

Me and the Dog at the stone seat 

View from the stone seat. Somewhere down there is my accommodation. 

Stone wall

Wainestones

Here I phoned the landlord from a car park and he came and picked us up. Myself and 3 Australians. The Australians were met at the accommodation by another Austrailian couple who were going to walk the last 3 days with them. The accommodation is a converted farmhouse. When we arrived we were offered tea and shortbread in the living room. My room is huge with 3 beds. The doors have no keys, but there are only 8 guests, all walkers. Besides the 5 Australians and myself, there was the younger English couple with the dog. After tea, I showered, and massaged my feet and Lucy's paws. Then, since we were located in the middle of nowhere, we were driven to the closest village which has one pub, The Black Swan,  where we could have dinner. I was invited by the Australians to join them in the dining room, which was very nice of them. I had duck, mashed sweet potato and salad. Our landlord sat in the bar watching the football game. England lost to Uruguay (I think) that night, but drove us back to our lodging when we were done eating. The couple with the dog ate in the bar, where they could have the dog with them. This is apparently generally accepted in England. I had left Lucy asleep in our room. Later I learned that their dog who could walk off leash most of the time, could not be left alone in a room without scratching at the door.

26 km. 6:50 hrs. 3.82 km/hr

Our room at Drumondby Bridge Bed and Breakfast

Day 2: Slept like a log and did some yoga in the morning to stretch my tired muscles. Breakfast was at 8 am  and then we were driven back to Clay Bank and started our walk. I walked just in front of or just behind the 5 Australians until our paths diverged. The moor today was not as dramatic, but there were a lot of sheep which excited Lucy greatly. Also saw a WWII fighter plane doing loops aver our heads. 

bronze age burial mound

One of many wierd stones

Sheep

Eventually I caught up with the couple who have the dog and we walked near each other all the way to The Kildale tea rooms where we had lunch. They left the tea rooms before me and I didn't see them again today. I had a brie and tomato sandwich on thick slices of fresh brown bread, salad and chips, fresh juice and a latte. The tea rooms were cute. Obviously a family business -  there was a sign on the door saying how they close early on mondays to take their daughters to their ukelele lessons after school. Only the father was there when I arrived, he had sent his wife home because business was slow, and got caught alone in the lunch rush. He was sooo stressed, rushing around like a chicken without a head.

Glebe Cottage Tea Rooms in Kildale

Approaching Captain Cook Monument

View from the Monument. The large village is my destination.

The rest of today's walk was through farmland and forest to the Captain Cook Monument. Captain Cook seems to be a big hero around here. At the Monument I left the Cleveland Way to take local footpaths through forest and farms down to Little Ayton and then the road to Great Ayton, where I was booked in at the Royal Oak inn. My room here is pleasant and there's a bathtub. So the first thing I did was have a long soak, before having vegetarian Lasagne for supper downstairs, while Lucy went straight to sleep. My feet are hurting like the dickens and I wonder whether I have taken on too much with 5 days. 

22.5 km, 6:30 hrs, 3.45 km/hr

Royal Oak Inn in Great Ayton

Day 3: Delicious breakfas this morning, but way too much. it was my first chance to try black pudding, but I was dissappointed. I found it to be very dry. The sausages I wrapped in a napkin to give to Lucy later in the day. The older english couple were at breakfast today. The couple with the dog must be staying somewhere else. The landlord was very sweet. He drove us all to the monument car park after breakfast. As we arrived he pointed to a pond and said a set of his car keys were there somewhere. He and his children had been playing hide and seek and he'd lost his keys. He had had to run back to the town to get the spare keys. Before leaving he gave hugs all around. 

Roseberry Topping

Roseberry Topping

My first goal was to climb Roseberry topping, a distinctive hilltop that I have seen in the distance throughout the last 2 days. There were a lot of people with dogs coming and going there, and Lucy has given up picking fights. She's also been more relaxed about strange people and didn't bark at all at horses,cows and sheep which we passed.

The Cleveland Way continues toward the sea

The hikers whom I keep meeting up with: the older English couple and the couple with the dog. 

View of Skelton, Skelton Castle and the sea

A beautiful wood approaching Saltburn

An artistic bench in the woods/park approaching Saltburn

My feet didn't hurt so much today. I mostly feel it in my legs. Its been a hot and sunny day with little wind. Lucy was tired by the time we got to Skelton and kept trying to go up the walk to various houses, hoping it was our accommodation for the night I think. At Victoria house in Saltburn we got room on the third floor a view to the cliffs where I'll be walking tomorrow. Victoria house has a fantastic Victorian atmosphere, the pictures, knick-knacks, furniture, even a grate in my attic room. I had a wonderful shower, massaged my feet and Lucy's pads, then had some tea and sweets before going out for dinner.

Our room at Victoria House

Had an absolutely fabulous dinner at Jadoo Indian restaurant.: first papadum, a crisp flatbread with yogurt mint sauce and a mango sauce. Then lamb in a mild nut curry with pieces of fresh pineapple and mango. The vegetable rice pilaf turned out to be white rice coloured pink, orange, yellow and white ( by different vegetables). For desert I had coconut and honey nan. All with Indian pop music playing in the background.

20.5 km, 6:20 hrs, 3.3 km/hr

Walking in Yorkshire: Preparation and getting there

It has always been my dream to do a walking holiday in the Yorkshire dales, so when I found myself with 2 weeks of vacation and no hard and fast plans I decided now was the right time. I have loved the Herriot books since I was a child, and this spring I discovered the tv series. It also turns out that the ship from Denmark to England is to stop running in September. Taking my own car over on the ferry seemed, after a good bit of research, to be the best way to make the trip, if I wanted to take my dog - which I did. Flying her to England is way to expensive and the train in England is very expensive as well.

There was a good bit of preparation involved. I ordered the holiday through a company that booked me into B&Bs at suitable walking distances, choosing accommodation that allowed dogs. They will transport my bag from place to place so that I don't have to carry everything on my back. They also arranged for a taxi to take me from where I park the car to where my journey starts, and sent me maps, a guide book and lists of pubs, shops and caffes along the way where I can buy dinner, lunch etc. I have spent a good number of hours studying the maps, and finding and printing driving directions. Yesterday I had to take Lucy to the vet to get worm and tick medicine.

According to Google maps it is an eight and a half hour drive to the ferry in Esbjerg, Denmark. I figured to be on the safe side I'd give it 12 hours and so I drove out of the driveway at 6 am this morning. As usual on the night before a journey, I didn't get to bed until midnight, and was wide awake at 4:30. It was cold this morning, only 5 C, and cloudy as I drove down through Østfold, singing to an Abba cd. Crossed over into Sweden at 7 am and an hour later I stopped for breakfast and to walk Lucy. It was still cool, but I sat in the sun at a picnic table to have my yogurt with honey and smoothie. The drive through Sweden was a bit tedious, though it was a gorgeous day. I stopped again at 10:30 to get an ice coffee and walk Lucy again.

The bridge over to Denmark is spectacular! You kind of feel suspended between the dark blue of the sea, with a bank of windmills to the left, and here and there a sailboat; and the paler blues of the sky, with its feathery clouds and seagulls floating on the wind.

When we arrived at the ferry port at 4:40 pm, they were already checking in. I handed my ticket, passport and pet passport to the lady and she gave me the gizmo to read off the chip. Once I was parked in lane 1, the lane reserved for motorcycles and people with dogs, I had half an hour to walk Lucy around the port area, and give her food and water before boarding commenced at 5:30 pm.

While all the folks with motorcycles got busy strapping them down, Lucy curled right up on the back seat of the car. She's exhausted after all the driving, I think. At 7:30 they'll take those of us who have dogs down to the deck to us to exercise them. There's a sand box that they're supposed to pee and poop in. It looks more appropriate for cats. Lucy willingly got into it, but had no idea what I wanted her to do there. I understand it's okay if they go on the car deck as long as we pick up after them. As for me, I'm about ready to hit the sack, and look forward to being rocked to sleep by the waves.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I got up early and spent some time standing on the deck watching the sea and the sky, before seeing to Lucy who had slept like a log in the car. After breakfast I went back to my cabin. I did some yoga, which was quite a challenge with the movement of the ship. The rocking of the ship also made me really sleepy, I found it hard to stay awake to meditate or read.

First glimpse of England at Harwich: families of Swans and ducks :)

At noon we arrived in Harwich, and customs took no time at all. Getting used to driving on the left was not very difficult, though it worried me that there were no speed limit signs. There had been some signs about the speed limits with conversions to km, but they were partially hidden behind bushes, and it's not like you could pull off onto the shoulder to study them. British roads don't have shoulders. Most of the drive was through flat landscape on the motorway. Stopped at Petersborough, just north of Cambridge for lunch at 2:30 pm, then continued on. The last hour was in the North York Moors National Park, and it was spectacular!  Especially when the sea suddenly materialized before me.

Arrived at Robin Hoods bay at 7:40 pm. The post office which sells tickets for several days parking was closed, and the machine only sells parking for 24 hrs, but the taxi driver showed me where I could park for free near the church. He then took me to Osmotherly.

No one is at home here at Vane House. I stood in front of the door for a while until one of the guests came and let me in. But, since the pubs all close at 9 I will likely not be getting any dinner tonight.

Nobody home at the B&B :(

Oh ye of little faith...

6 weeks ago, when I was in California, I lost my wallet. It was a major inconvenience, but I was able to keep my calm and look for the lessons in this experience.

For many years I have been scattered, unconcentrated, constantly losing things, forgetting appointments, where I put things, what I was going to do; somehow only just able to cope with the realities of day to day living. I like to say it started when my first child was born. “Ammetåke” they call it in Norwegian. It means something like “nursing fog”. Only it didn't go away, when I stopped nursing, and has been a bone of contention throughout my second marriage, though, I must say, not so much since I started working with mindfulness and meditation. In fact I've been noticing lately how much more grounded I seem to be. I haven't forgotten something when going to work (key card, cell phone, wallet, water bottle etc) for weeks, and I've had no difficulty remembering appointments or organizing my day...

Then, yesterday I thought I had lost my wallet again. I couldn't find it anywhere, I just remembered having had it at the gas station when I filled the car with diesel. A feeling of black hopelessness came over me. It all seemed for nothing, all this spiritual work, all this practice of mindfulness, living in the here and now, of meditation and affirmations, of trying to change my paradigm from one of separation and each man for himself, to one of oneness with the universe, as it taught in the Course in Miracles. I felt endlessly alone and disillusioned. I just wanted to sit down and give up. The thought that I would continue to sabotage my own wellbeing, and that there was no way to avoid it filled me with dread. Then my wallet showed up again.

But I am shaken. I am shaken by how quickly I was ready to believe that it is all a hoax, and that there is nothing to be learned by indulging in spiritual practices, other than self delusion. I realize that I have a long way still to go before I can stand fast in the face of adversity, and not lose my faith in the fundamental goodness and meaningfulness of Life and the Universe.

Detachment

After working with mindfullness and meditation for nearly a year, I have found that deep peace that Eckhart Tolle talks about. In Stillness Speaks he says: 

"Your acceptance of what is takes you to a deeper level. When you can accept this moment as it is, you can feel a sense of spaciousness within you that is deeply peacefull. On the surface you may still be happy when it's sunny, and not so happy when it's rainy. You may be happy at winning a million dollars and unhappy at losing all your possessions. Neither happiness nor unhappiness go all that deep anymore. They are ripples on the surface of your being. The background peace within you remains undisturbed regardless of the nature of the outside condition.

I experienced this peace and detachment when I crashed a car in january, and again when I left my ipad (with all my books, my cookbook, adress book, journal and notes on it), as well as my wallet with credit cards and drivers licence on a train while travelling in California in March. At first it was: "wow, mindfulness and meditation are working!", I mean even when the insurance company decided that the crash was my fault and I recieved a hefty repair bill, and even though my ipad and cards never showed up again, my inner peace was not shaken.

But I've been wondering. Even though I have achieved that deep seated peace and detachment from the roller coaster of life, I have not experienced bliss. I do not experience certainty of purpose. By that I mean, that I do not feel certain of the purpose of my life, or any life. 

And so now I am wondering. Is it really peace? or is it indifference?
Is all this spiritual practice making me a more effective human being in the world? 
Or am I losing touch with reality, and just sort of coasting along until one day I find myself in a nursing home, having been no good to anyone, and no closer to knowing what this life was all about?

Lost

Today nothing went as planned. I had packed and planned ahead. I knew which train I had to take to San Jose, and how to get to the greyhound station to take the bus north to McKinnleyville, where I was planning to visit my friend, Sally for a couple of days. I had bought stamps so that I could spend the 4 hr layover in Oakland writing postcards to people back home. I was planning to study "a return to love" by Marianne Williamsen on the 6.5 hr bus ride to Arcata. But that's not how the day went. 

I left my purse containing my iPad and wallet on the train when I got off at San Jose. The train had already left the platform when I discovered what had happened. I ended up spending the rest of the day trying to locate my bag, to no avail. I called customer service from from San Jose, I took a train to the lost and found in Santa Clara, before finally admitting my stupidity to Roland and making my way back to his house feeling like a total idiot and a complete imposition. Roland was very nice about it and was totally on board with having me for a couple more days, but when I called Sally, she said she wanted to come and get me. She's leaving tonight, and arriving early tomorrow morning to pick me up.

For the past few days I've been thinking about the things that make me feel safe and whole. Things with which I tend to identify: my career, my relationships, being a mother, living in the country, having a dog, being able to travel. Now I am suddenly discovering how attached I am to a piece of electronic equipment - my iPad. It has my diary, my books, my address book, my cookbook, my calendar, a meditation, all kinds of notes, and my connection to the Internet with email, blogs, Facebook, Carcassonne, yoga etc. and then there's my wallet containing my credit cards, drivers license, Norwegian Imigration card, stamps etc. without my iPad, I feel naked. Without my wallet, I feel paralyzed. 

The lack of those two items makes me feel so helpless. And it was still a beautiful, warm, sunshiny day, with the scent of flowers and friendly people and a train where they didn't check my tickets, because though I had accidentally bought 4 tickets instead of one, they were in the missing bag. And I have clothes to wear and a couple of good books in my suitcase.  I still have my phone and my passport and my bus and plane tickets, because they were in my backpack. I have a brother and sister-in-law with whom I can stay and who could lend me money. He even let me use his iPad this evening. His orange tree is still providing oranges and his lemon tree, lemonade. And I know my meditation by heart. So really, I am fine. 

Belinda Davidsen's School of the Modern Mystic

It is no secret that I was raised in an anthroposophical family. Indeed, I am a third generation anthroposophist. Many of my family members have devoted their lives to anthroposophy: my grandfather as an anthroposophical doctor, my aunt as a eurythmist, married to a priest of the Christian Community, my mother as a Waldorf kindergarden teacher, my father tried his hand both as a Waldorf teacher and as a biodynamic farmer. My sister is a Waldorf teacher. My mother, at 80+ has a biodynamic CSA garden. 

I attended waldorf school myself from 2nd grade to graduation from high school, and I was christened, confirmed and married in the Christian Community. I have felt connected to anthroposophy throughout my adult life as well: At 18 I became a member of the anthroposophical society and at 33 I became a member of the school for spiritual developement within the anthroposophic society  known as the First Class. I have continued my connection to the Christian Community, sent my children to waldorf school, and, since my father's death 4 years ago, my study and practice of anthroposophy intensified.

Now my father was a searching soul: he was simultaneously both buddhist, christian and anthroposophist. I think I can thank him for providing me with the example that allows me to have an open mind regarding spirituality. 

So how did I find my way to Belinda Davidsen and the School of the Modern Mystic?  It was when I experienced my personal crisis of last spring, when I lost my joy, confidence and energy for work, that  I began exploring modern spirituality. The problem that I have had with Anthroposophy is that, though the content is largely of timeless value,  Rudolf Steiner's books and lectures are given in the context of where the world was 100 years ago.

 My older daughter had given me a book by Eckhart Tolle called "The Power of Now" and I began reading it and practicing mindfulness. What I discovered was that while Rudolf Steiner gives many mantras and other content for meditation, he doesn't really teach you to meditate. Mindfulness, as taught by Eckhart Tolle gave me the HOW of meditation. 

Around the same time as I started reading "The Power of Now", I was reading a health  blog, also recommended by my oldest daughter. There I discovered a guest post by Belinda Davidsen on how to become psychic. The thing is, I have always been religious, and I basically believe that Rudolf Steiner describes the spiritual world as he experienced it, it's just that I have never been completely happy to just take it all on faith. In fact it is just Steiner's assertion that EVERYONE has within them the possibility to develope the ability to experience spiritual truths first hand that has kept me going. 

So Belinda's post sparked my interest, and  it  led me to her website where I downloaded her free 7 day chakra course, and began reading her blog and signing up for her free white light healings every Monday. What appealed to me about Belinda was how down to earth and completely grounded she is. She tells about what it's like to be psychic in such a matter of fact manner, her approach to chakra work is not theoretical, or philosophical but completely practical and refreshingly original. It also turns out that she is a big fan of Eckhart Tolle. 

Taking level 1 from mid-July to mid-January has taken me much more deeply into chakra work. Initially the White Light seemed a bit diffuse and new-agey to me and  I thought I would work with the chakras and just ignore this strange thing with White Light. But it turns out that level one has a whole module devoted to White Light, and as I learned more about it, and how to use it actively in my own life, I have warmed to it. In addition to learning how to harmonise and balance my chakras, which, whether you believe in them or not, is a truly fascinating approach to self developement, I learned to channel the White Light for myself to resolve particular issues, and also to start to become the creator of my own reality. Directly and indirectly the work in Level I has opened me up to exploring other spiritual modalities such as working with angels, and manifesting.  I haven't become psychic (yet), but am learning a different perspective on self-love, and abundance. If you want to learn more you can use the following link. And if you decide to enroll and you use this link to do so, I will even get a commission (which would do wonders for my strained financial situation).  http://schoolofthemodernmystic.com/level1?ap_id=gudrunvl

Below are a couple of links to interviews with Belinda by Jess, the Wellness Warrior.  

 http://www.thewellnesswarrior.com.au/2014/03/wellness-warrior-tv-belinda-davidson-talk-soul-medicine/

http://www.thewellnesswarrior.com.au/2013/07/wellness-warrior-tv-belinda-davidson-spiritual-health-2/

There are also several free videos offering some insight into what The School of the Modern Mystic is all about on the school website. Also, DO explore Belinda's blogg - it is life altering all on it's own. 

The art of extreme self-care

I am so used to playing the role of caretaker that it has become a normal way of life. It has also become my identity and how I define my self worth. As mother, wife, nurse, co-worker, sister, daughter and neighbor. I have few friends and I ask myself why? I believe it is because I don't have the energy to take care of any more people. Always taking care of everyone else was sucking the life out of me, and in the last year or so I have lost a lot of my joy and motivation regarding work, dog training, exercising etc.

In the end this physical and mental exhaustion led me to decide to separate from my husband of 14 years. It is time, I feel, to focus on myself, my own needs and desires, my own self-care. It feels unfair from his point of view. He has shown great willingness to make changes and to accomodate my wishes, and yet I just don't have any more to give, I need to be alone.

My reaction when he drove down the driveway for the last time surprised me. I felt bereft...I  mean I was expecting to feel lonely in a few weeks or months, but not on the first day! What does this mean? Besides the obvious: that I still care about him and feel sad about the good things I am giving up, as well as guilty for the heartache this is causing him, it is also an indication that I am "addicted" to being a caretaker, and that what I'm experiencing now is withdrawal symptoms. Well, from now on I'm going to be the caretaker of myself. I am going to learn the art of extreme self-care.

The concept of extreme self-care can seem arrogant and selfish, involving an inappropriate sense of entitlement.It is quite possible that I will meet resistance and criticism.  By commiting to extreme self-care I am challenging a legacy passed down through generations of women in my family.  My Grandmother was a nurse and she worked as nurse and "keeper" of her husbands medical practice. My mother taught me that taking care of your husband is of primary importance. She moved and changed jobs as his career moves seemed to require. She also stayed home with the children when we were small, and that is a value I have adopted as well. Don't get me wrong, I am utterly convinced that being a full-time mother while my children were small gave them a foundation of security which held during the years I went to college and thus was pretty much preoccupied most of the time for 3 years when they were school age. Before the children were grown, self-care was something I did in order to be a better mother and care-taker (for example getting enough sleep), not something I did for myself. It is the same with nursing. I tend to let my need for nourishment and rest be secondary to my patient's needs. (perhaps part of the reason I feel burned out?)

Now that I have decided to care for myself in a more attentive, proactive and soul-nourishing way, I'm forced to confront the cultural view that "selfish" is a dirty word. 

However as Anita Moorjana, the author of "Dying to be me." said in an interview that I heard this fall: "People cringe at the thought of loving themselves. They think it's egotistical, or narsissistic. However those who appear to be the most egotistical are the ones who lack self love. The ones who love themselves are the happiest, most joyful, most secure people to be around. And they are the most giving and the most generous. Because you cannot give love to others if you don't have it for yourself.  Our love is conditional when we don't have enough to give away. If we give ourselves love we become so full of love, that it overflows. And when we give love to others we don't need to get any back, because we are full to the brim already. And thus we are able to give love unconditionally. And the love we give can fill people up until they too are able to give."

That is my goal. When I start to care for myself deeply and deliberately, I believe that I naturally will  begin to care for others in a healthier and more effective way. I will become a conscious and conscientious person. I will tell the truth. I will make choices from a place of love and compassion instead of guilt and obligation. 

Extreme self-care can involve:

- making my home my sacred space in which my soul can find nourishment in solitude. 

- eliminating clutter from my life for good.

- getting my financial act together so that I always have choices how to live my life.

- not making any commitments whatsoever out of guilt or obligation.

- making pleasure a priority.

-allowing myself to have fun.

-  making my work environment soul-nourishing instead of soul depleting, through the practice of mindfulness.

- maintaining a healthy lifestyle by means of a healthy diet, regular exercise, enough sleep, and daily meditation.

The ideas in this post were inspired by a book by Cheryl Richardsen : The Art of Extreme Self-Care"

Epiphany

I'm a little nervous about putting this post "out there". I haven't written or talked much about my spiritual activities except to people who I know are positive, and then only about the parts that are positive. With this post you could say I come out of the closet. 

Yesterday evening I gave a so-called "free rendering" of the 15th First Class lesson. We are a group of about a dozen members of the anthroposophical "First Class" who meet on the first sunday of every month to share our work with the "First Class" meditations, either through a discussion, or by listening to a free rendering of the month's lesson by the Reader. Back before the First Class was published and thus made generally available to the public, members used to gather and listen to the Reader read the lesson as it was given by Rudolf Steiner back in 1924. After the publication of the First Class it has become more common that the Reader gives a free rendering, a kind of personal interpretation of the lesson. Some groups are also experimenting with group discussions on the lesson, with or without an introduction by one of the members. The group to which I belong alternates between a free rendering and a discussion every other month. However when our Reader turned to me after the group discussion in December and asked if I would like to give a free rendering in January, I felt surprised, honored, disbelieving, frightened, unworthy, unqualified... but I said yes, thinking that at least I had the 11 days in Crete to prepare. 

I have spent a long time on the preparation: studying Steiner's text, meditating on the mantras, writing down my thoughts as a result of the study and the meditation. Then gradually narrowing it down to one theme and focusing on that. I was guided to do most of the actual meditation outdoors, either sitting under a tree or (once) on the edge of a cliff, or walking through woods and fields in the rain. After a few days of meditation, I would spend a couple of hours on the computer trying to give some form to my thoughts. Usually with a picture of Rudolf Steiner propped up nearby. I tried to call on his spirit to guide me in my work, knowing that he too had struggled to find words to express experiences and conditions that are beyond words. 

In the School of the Modern Mystic, of which I have nearly completed level 1,  I have learned that undeveloped spirits try to influence the egoic mind through feelings either of fear (Ahriman) or self aggrandizement (Lucifer). I tried to be aware that the thoughts and feelings of fear, and of being unqualified and unworthy were an Ahrimanic influence; that thoughts of wanting to impress and so on were a Luciferic temptation. And I made my focus that I wanted my interpretation be useful to the audience. And also that I wanted it to be a true expression of the spiritual purpose of the School, which exists in the spiritual world as the School of the Archangel Michael. And so before getting up onto the podium I channeled White Light through my energy field, and then called on the Archangel Michael to guide and inspire me, and prayed for my presentation to bless the lives of the audience. And while giving the lesson I tried to feel him standing behind me, his wings shadowing me, his hands on my shoulders. I tried to ground into my feet, and into my hands. I managed to be very present most of the time. A bit of worry that my presentation was too short kept creeping in. A bit of worry that people would judge me for drinking water from a camel back flask (how stupid!). 

During the speech, I felt totally (almost) present. Afterward I was drained and my legs shook. How did people receive it? One person expressed that he wished we had time for discussion. One person asked if I teach often. They remarked on the form of the presentation (which I think was thanks to the Archangel Michaels presence). The fact that there was a desire for discussion is confirmation that I was able to raise questions and present my interpretations in a way that gave people something to take hold of and aroused a desire to work with it further. The woman with cancer was there - I had included some of Anita Moorjana's insights specifically because I hoped that they would be significant to her in her situation.