I need to start writing again. Life is threatening to overwhelm me, and I think writing will help me keep my thoughts in order - maybe also my feelings. Since my last post I have had a birthday. A little step nearer to 50, a little step nearer to old age. I think I was 33 when I first began to worry that my life might be wasted, might be lived in vain. The thought comes back now and then to haunt me, but usually I push it aside thinking "later. I'm too busy right now." But the next time it comes with a bit more force. I think I should not put it off any longer. Supposing there is a meaning to it all, I think I need to try and figure out something about it...
Spirituality. I am strongly attracted to it. To the idea of a life dedicated to the service of something higher, of higher beings, of God. At the same time I am afraid that embracing spirituality as a way of life would be a denial of the "real world". Which is the Real World? The world of the spirit, or the physical world around us? What if the spiritual world is an illusion? On the other hand, does it make any difference what we do, or that we live at all if we disregard the spirit? We live, we die, so what? A purely material existance seems devoid of meaning. What then, is it I am after? I want my life to have had some value, I want to make a difference.
Let me take stock of my life. I am living it with one foot on either side of the ocean. I have been living in Ithaca, New York, for a year, have begun to feel comfortable. I am close to my parents. I have good contact with my children, the relationship with my siblings is neither better nor worse. In august I am going back to Norway. I wonder if it will feel like a homecoming. Am I even able to feel at home anywhere? Mostly I feel like screaming, like running away, finding a haven, where time will stand still, where demands will cease, where I can figure out this thing about the meaning of life in general and mine in particular.
My husband needs me. He has been "holding the fort" in more ways than one, waiting for me to come back to live with him, after 3 1/2 years of living apart. I look forward to it. To sharing everyday things like sleeping, and eating together, walking the dog, doing things for each other, being close, going out to the movies, orienteering, dancing, traveling. On the other hand I feel overwhelmed with dread that I will be unable to live up to his expectations. I long for my garden, my pets, my house but dread the responsibility of looking after them.
My children are becoming more independent. What does it mean to be the mother of adult children? What transformation must the nurturing take? Only one has her immediate future settled. My 17-year old daughter has been accepted into a bakers apprenticeship. The other 3 are still waiting to hear whether they are accepted into the college/high school programs of their choice.
And there is my job: nursing. I am struggling with burnout again. I try to give so much, but feel painfully my lack of mental and emotional toughness to weather it out. I feel my lack of knowledge and skills keenly. Why, when I know that I am making a difference to my patients, can't I be content. Why am I not happy as a floor nurse, in spite of great colleagues and the possibility to give excellent care? Is it because I always feel that although I give everything I've got, the organisation never feels it is enough. I had only 4 patients pluss an new admit last night. It is a perfect patient load. I can truly give the patients the care they need and deserve in a timely manner, and within the limits of the 12 hr shift. I think if it were always like that, I would stay on the floor. But the usual load is 7 patients, 6 if some are telemetry. But I digress. What do I want from my job? What is my ultimate goal? I think it might be working with disaster relief or in an underdeveloped country. And to do that I need more critical care skills, more critical care experience.
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