Another Day - Another Worry

Today I went to a seminar about the work environment called "Ny dag - Nye Nederlag" (new day - new setbacks). The idea was that by looking hard at how you can make things worse, you can see catch a glimpse of what would make them better. But another aspect of it was that a seminar aiming directly at educating on how to improve the work environment always has a rather serious "get your act together" type of atmosphere and one easily feels overwhelmed by the demands of the situation. On the other hand, this humorous and irreverent approach led to created an atmosphere in which the individual could find an impulse in himself to work towards actually achieving something in improving the work environment.

I'm wondering whether this can be applied to other aspects of life as well. The home environment for example. Now I have, once again, been in a phase of more than usual scatter-brainedness. For example no matter where I go, I seem to forget to take along some essential item (my keys, the dogs leash, my lunch, wallet, towel and shampoo to the gym etc). Add that to leaving the stove on, the water running etc, I sometimes wonder where my head is at.

Somehow in the past 6 months I have sunk into an economic quagmire. For one thing I must have spent more of my student loan money than I was aware of during the 18 months that I was only working half time. In hindsight I probably couldn't really afford the new car that I bought in june either. But I was plugging along with a fair (but unrealistic as it turns out) hope to getting on top of things by christmas when I mislaid a bill in the cronic mess that is my desk. That was in July. I found it in August when Husband had finally pressured me into cleaning up my desk. By that time payday had come and gone, the bills had been paid and my bank account was again empty. So I paid it from my credit card, since I was too embarassed to ask Husband for a loan. Anyway, after that every month seemed to get worse. When all the bills were paid except the credit card bill, I had no money left, so I could only pay the minimum charge, and I was also unable to pay my share of the housekeeping. To top it all off I get a letter from the Student Loan Bank to the effect that they are taking back the grant that they awarded (for having completed my courses) because I had earned too much in 2009 to be eligable. Great! So on top of the steadily increasing credit card and household debts I have a student loan to pay off - and they are going to want interest. At this point Husband (who is the one around here with savings, whereas I live from hand to mouth, in spite of having the greater salary) generously offered to "refinance" me. This is a relief as when I start my new job in February, I will have the extra expenses of commuting 65 miles by train and renting a room to stay overnight when my shifts are really close together. Provided I don't actually end up unemployed. Because though I resigned from my current job two and a half weeks ago I have not yet recieved my employment papers for the new job.

My thinking spot

This is the path that leads to my thinking spot

These stones are the ruins of a viking age fort near the edge of the lake.

This is the stone on which I sit listening to the wind in the trees and the waves lapping on the shore.

And here is the view from my thinking spot.

There's a place I like to go when I need to get some perspective on things that are bothering me. It can be things like not feeling appreciated at work, or feeling torn between the needs of different family members at home. When I sit on my rock overlooking the lake, in one direction all I see is dark forests - I can almost believe that a thousand years have fallen away, and imagine a viking ship coming out from behind the point of land. In another direction the fields of ripe grain reach down almost to the shore, different shades of brown for wheat, barley and oats. Then I close my eyes and just listen to wind in the trees, the sounds of birds, of the dogs splashing in the water and the waves lapping on the stones. It's funny how the sound of water eases the mind. When my mind is in turmoil I look for an opportunity to go to my thinking spot at the lake. There I am able to sort out my feelings, and find positive solutions, at least a positive way to deal with whatever situation brought me here.

For example I have been feeling unappreciated at work. It affects my motivation. I am all tied in knots about it. My time at the lake brought the following insights:

• I will not allow lack of appreciation to influence my commitment to my patients. My primary concern will be excellent patient care and my secondary concern will be to participate in the smooth running of the unit.
• I should not allow the lack of acknowledgement of the value of my skills keep me from constantly working to improve them. Too long I have allowed the fear that the past year and a half were wasted keep me from studying to improve my knowledge. No more!
• This situation of not being appreciated, of my qualifications not being acknowledged is making it easier to let go of my current position, and the safety it represents (steady job, secure future) and keep applying for jobs in other places. I am looking at nurse-anesthetist jobs anywhere in Norway, and intensive care jobs at local hospitals. I have registered with the labor department and with 4 temp agencies. It also makes it easier to start considering a move to america, even if I'm not qualified to work as a nurse anesthetist there.

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I had a job interview last week. They asked 2 standard questions

1. How would you describe yourself?
2. How do you think your co-workers would describe you?

Here are my reflections on these subjects:

1. How would I describe myself?

I talk alot. Some say I talk too much. On the other hand I believe in the importance of communication with patients and their family members. It is something I am constantly working on. So yes, I talk alot, but I try to make that an asset.

Also, if I hear that someone has a problem with me or a complaint, I will go to that person to clear things up. Same if I'm the one with the complaint. I don't like to let things fester and just bitch to everyone else. So people know where they have me.

I may seem unsociable, because I bury my nose in a book or sit at the computer when business is slow, rather than hang out in the common room shooting the breeze. The thing is, I give so much of myself to my patients and to the job, that when I have some free time, lunch break or whatever, I need time to myself to recharge.

I enjoy working independently. On the other hand I enjoy working in a team where the individual responsibilities are clearly defined. Thus I work very well with doctors, nurses aides, housekeeping staff. The problem arrises when I have to work in a team with nurses who have a different level of commitment, or where my area of responsibility is unclear.

2. How would my colleagues describe me?

I have been told that I am capable and thorough. What I want them to think of me is this: I want them to find it easy to ask me for help. I also want them to think that when they take over one of my patients everything is well taken care of. If I write a report it should be complete. When I leave a room, it should be ready for a new patient (I sometimes fail in this - so there is room for improvement here). I want people to think of me: "when she does something, she does it properly".

I've also been thinking about the differences between being a nurse in the US as opposed to Norway. Each place has it's pros and cons:

In the US you are expected to have a higher level of medical knowledge and assessment skills. Your work is noticed more by your superiors, and good work is appreciated . There is a strong emphasis on customer service and continuing education.

The cons are living in constant fear that a mistake can cost you your licence, and the constant evaluations can get in the way of going about your business of taking care of patients. Also having no more than 2 weeks of vacation, work every other weekend and a 40 hr work week would burn me out in the long run.

On the other hand, in Norway you can work much more independently as a nurse, in other words you can use your knowledge and skills more independently and that is extremely satisfying. Also the work situation is better with longer vacations (5 weeks), less weekend work (every 3rd or 4th) and a shorter work week (35,5 hrs).

The cons are that no one gives a sh*t whether you do a good job, as long as you don't get any major complaints, and further education is not a priority, except for the bare essentials required by law.

Taking stock

Another birthday has come and gone. It was interesting to look back on what I wrote on my last birthday, and note that I am still steering in much the same direction and what has changed along the way: 

I did indeed lose a parent on the physical plane though I feel his presence in the spiritual world, just beyond the reach of my powers of perception. Still, I am convinced that he is there, and have become more conscious of a whole community of friends and relatives who have passed over during the years. I like to think that Fathers ability to percieve me is greater than mine, so that he doesn't have to miss me as much as I miss him.

My health is on somewhat shakier footing. An intramural uterine myoma was discovered in february. It hadn't given me any trouble but reading up on them I understand that they can be the cause of heavy bleeding. So I suspect that is what is at the bottom of the anemia that I am experiencing now. Problem is, I don't have time to be sick before graduation on June 3rd. Luckily the doctor gave me some pills (cyklokopran - for those who are interested) which are sort of helping. Hopefully they will see me through the next 2 weeks. I don't much look forward to a D&C which I expect will be the next step. Ugh!

I am almost done with nurse anesthesia. Graduation is in 2 weeks. I have no job to go to though, no anesthesia job, which is a bummer, because I definitly need to practice these new skills for awhile to become competent. To a certain extent I will be able to apply what I have learned in the ER. Last week I interned with the ambulance. That was so much fun. I would loooove to work in the ambulance! The next two weeks I am interning at the university hospital in Oslo (Rikshospitalet). I'm going to take the 5 am train to Oslo and then the 4 or 5 pm train home, depending on which I am able to catch arriving about 6 or 7 pm.  I want to get a feel for what it would be like to commute to Oslo so that I can decide whether applying for an anesthesia job there would be realistic. Another possibility that I am considering is intensive care. I also have an application in with the International Red Cross to become a delegate but have not heard back so far.

I also took another look at my new years resolutions: cultivating relationships and maintaining a positive outlook. Woops! Not doing too well on either front. Not to speak of living slowly, which was going to be my motto for this next period of my life. 

When I started writing this update I was feeling the need to look at my priorities, at what is important in my life. I came to 4 areas:

nr 1: preparing for death

Fathers death has made me think about death and I have become more conscious of it's inevitability. So I continue to study anthroposophy and hope to take another crack at meditation after graduation. I've never been much good at that, but want to have another try. When I plan to travel somewhere I look at maps, read guide books, and try and learn some rudiments of the language. It's the same sort of thing that I am trying to accomplish by anthroposophical study and meditation: to get a feel for the lay of the land, the language and culture for the spiritual world. 

nr 2: service

Going through anesthesia training and no idea in what way I can make use of it raises some existensial questions with renewed urgency: what is the meaning of life on earth? where are we going as human beings? What is my individual purpose? How can I serve in the great scheme of things? I'm really not sure. And it is a test to my resolution to maintain a positive outlook that I feel so uncertain about the future.

So I carry on with my garden and my pets (Lucy is going to agility class), and try to be patient and accept what "life" offers in the way of tasks and challenges in the realm of nursing.

nr 3: Cultivating relationships

I have tried to guide my four children through childhood to adulthood, and still follow their developement ready to offer advice and support when they need it. I worry sometimes that it seems to take so long for them to "settle down". I keep having to remind myself that young adulthood is the time to travel, try out different things. To get to know oneself and the world. They all seem able to support themselves and that I think is the first step in adult maturity!

The visits a couple of weeks ago from Roland & Sharon and MaryAnn were great! We had inspiring conversations about anesthesia, sociology, relationships etc. I can't wait for september when Tor Idar and I, Mother, Roland & Sharon will meet in Malcesine on the Garda Lake in Italy.

In general, because of combining work and study (did I say "live slowly?"), I have had very little time for cultivationg relationships. I also have a huge need to be alone. But I also have a need for meaningfull conversation. Somehow I have to learn to balance these needs. The only thing I have sort of managed to make time for, has been doing stuff with Tor Idar: we have gone on walks, orienteering, to the theatre in Oslo, to Iceland and to a mountain resort all in the last 5 months. 

 

nr 4: 

Taking care of myself: Should that come last? I look forward to working out more. I've only managed about once a week since christmas. To doing frivolous things like watching Grey's anatomy, reading novels, etc. "Brother Ass" is what Francis of Assisi used to call the physical body. I'm afraid I take care of my animals better than I take care of myself. And really - I won't get very far with all of the above if I don't get my act together regarding taking care of myself. 

PS: pictures will problably be added later

Work and Study - Is there a life besides?

I have been doing some figuring: since christmas my time has been spent as follows

A week has 168 hrs: 

- studying: 36 hrs

- working: 22 hrs

- sleeping: 52 hrs

= 110 hrs. This leaves 58 hrs for other activities, such as 

- driving to and from work/school (about 10)

- housework (about 14): shopping, simple cooking, laundry, dishes. Tor Idar does practically everything.

- dogwalking (including studying anthroposophy via mp3) and -training (about 5)

- working out (about 1)

- vacating with Tor Idar (10)

- socializing (18): hanging out with Ingvild and Irene, talking on the phone with Tormod, Mother, Ilian and Irene, checking e-mail, facebook, bloggs and chatting online, first class etc

The above might be a bit confusing since it is an average over 11 weeks. Tor Idar immediatly protested: you haven't spent 10 hrs a week with me! The truth is we vacated twice: once for 2 days (in Oslo) and once for 5 days (in Iceland), so no, we haven't spent this much time together every week. I could also figure out my time use differently by setting aside the week vacating with Tor Idar and dividing the rest by 10. 

So DO I have a life beside work and study? Only barely. When this is over I look forward to reading novels, learning spanish, gardening, meditating, working out a lot more, cooking and baking, cleaning, and generally spending more time at home!

New Years Day - 2010

Standing at the bedroom window last night watching the fireworks I started thinking about new years resolutions.

Two things come to mind that I want to carry over from 2009 into this new year.

One is that I have reconnected with several friends from long ago – people I have had no contact with for 30 years or so. This has come about through Facebook. It is interesting to see what has been happening to old friends. To see whether there is still a connection of interest. Facebook has the potential to be a medium for contact. On the one hand it offers a window into somebody's life. On the other it offers a forum for real personal interaction. Of course it can also just be about «fake contact», meaning that although you are friended on Facebook you don't actually have anything to do with each other. So I hope to carry on last years resolution to nurture contact with friends, though I realize that it will have to be a bare minimum until school lets out in June.

Second is that after Father's death I began working with anthroposophy again. It started with me and mother reading for Father before and after the funeral. When I got home I started reading my book of Steiner lectures on Life between Death and Rebirth. Then someone told me about the website called rudolfsteineraudio.com and I began downloading lectures from that to listen to while doing housework and walking the dogs. I feel like there is a whole community of the dead with whom I can stay connected through anthroposophical reading. It used to be something that I wanted to do for myself, for my own spiritual development. However I was never motivated enough to get off the ground. A good novel is so much more interesting. I guess Father being so close has made me more aware of the other friends and relatives who have passed on in the past 15 years or so. In my imagination the spiritual world has become a populated place, where close friends and family members wait to hear from me. I want to thank Father for helping me become aware of them.

Yesterday I was saying that New years eve is the day when you grieve over mistakes and lost possibilities in the year that is past, and dread the year to come. ("gremmer deg over året som gikk og gruer deg til året som kommer"). My third new years resolution must be to regain and maintain a positive attitude. I know that my negative attitude is the result of stress, pressure and exhaustion. Healthful eating and regular exercise will contribute towards making me more resistant to the negative effects of stress, I think. I also learned the value of good planning and scheduling when I had my home exam. Sticking to my motto for my 50^th birthday: «live slowly» will I think also help. I say «Living slowly» in the sense of not rushing through things, but rather enjoying in the challenges and tasks of the moment. I came to this motto when wrestling with the problem of growing older. How can I assure that when I look back on my life in 10 or 20 years I will not find it to have been all a waste. My theory is that it is not so much a question of how much did I accomplish, as how did I accomplish what I did? And so I decided to quit rushing and start dwelling in the present.

So these are then my New Years Resolutions:

1. to cultivate my relationships with friends and family, living and dead.

2. To regain and maintain a positive outlook.

New Years Eve - 2009

I've been listening to BBC World Service on the radio. For the past few days the theme has been: What has your year been like?

What has my year been like?
In January I started further education to become a nurse anesthetist. It was exciting, stimulating and challenging. I feel that what I learn enriches my work and visa versa. At the same time it is exhausting to study full-time while working half-time and at the end of the first semester I wondered how I would get through the next.

Father died this year. I spent a month with mother and father in february/march which I really enjoyed. He was doing pretty well then, stacking firewood, pruning apple trees etc. I could concentrate on getting Mother back on her feet after her knee replacement surgery. In retrospect I am happy to have spent those weeks with them.

When I returned from America we picked up my 50th birthday present from the children: Lucy, a 4 month old belgian shephard puppy. She is a real sweety: a bit shy, quite smart and very active.

In May Father began experiencing increasing falls and weakness of the extremities and it was discovered that the myeloma had migrated to the brain. What a disappointment after the blood work had been getting better and better all through the winter! This new complication is very rare but has a bad prognosis: 3 months from what I could find out.

Summer vacation: we celebrated my birthday on Skibladner, the worlds oldest paddle steamer. Then came a week in Paris, my present from Husband. There we wandered the streets, visited churches, parks and museums. My favorite experiences were the Monet water lilies, the stained glass windows of Saint Chapelle, the Cluny museum and the Weleda massage. We also spent a weekend at the cabin in Valdres, and had a visit from Tante Christina. On August 1st we went to California for 3 weeks where we visited Ilian and Roland, drove up the coast, into the mountains and the desert.

When we went to Cortland on the way home to see Father, he was dying. Not knowing how long it would still take, I went back to Norway as planned. However, 5 days later I was back on a plane heading for New York. Adam called just as we were leaving to go to the airport to say that Father had died. They were all there when I arrived: Ilian had just come from California. Roland, Adam, Mother, Beren and Tormod were there, and Ann, the family friend who had held his hand when he died. We spent 2 weeks together, preparing the funeral and after that, just spending time together. I feel I have come closer to my family this year.

While I loved the weeks spent with family, I was missing school, and came back with a research project to make up and new projects to complete. This whole fall I seem to have spent catching up. Catching up on missed classes while I was in America, then after I had the swine flu, catching up on missed shifts of practice nursing. The fall semester ended with a home exam. Writing it was fun and I learned just how much I can pack into a day when I schedule properly. The results aren't in yet. I feel unsure as to how it went (update: I got a C. Dissapointing)

And so we come to Christmas vacation, where I am trying to force myself to take a break from studying, but am finding that it's all catching up with me - how exhausted I really am. Outside we have 2 feet of snow, and temperatures around zero Fahrenheit. When it is so cold I find myself holding my breath waiting for something to break down: the car, the electricity or the water. At least we have lots of firewood.

Right now, I'm still so exhausted that I am not even looking forward to college starting up again on Monday - I'm scared to death I won't make it, I guess. And also that overworking, like I have to for at least another 6 months, I might make some fatal mistake at work or in practice nursing: a mistake of judgement or of priority. Somehow in the I next 3 days I have to psych myself up to go into the new year with a positive attitude, to take hold of it and make the most of it. But now I am going to bed. Will try to write a forward looking post tomorrow.

Happy New Year!

50 years - the beginning of the rest of my life!

I see turning 50 as a landmark. The start of a new Era.
The first 20 years of life were my childhood. A happy childhood in most areas.
The next 30 years saw the establishment of my family, the search for love and meaningfull occupation. An area in which I could serve and contribute to society and to the earth. Thus I became by turns a farmer, full time mother and finaly a nurse.

Now, at 50 my parents are getting older and I am aware that I will be facing the loss of at least one parent in the near future. This is prompting me to take a closer look at death and dying in an effort to prepare myself both for the transition of a parent to the spiritual world and my own eventual death. I am thankfull that I have a close relationship with my brothers and sister. I recently had a patient who died suddenly and whose daughters who had had no contact with each other for years started fighting and even hitting each other in the halls of the ER.

My own children are now practically grown, and I look forward to seeing what paths their lives will be taking, and hope some time in the future to become a grandmother.

I still carry elements of my previous occupations with me. I grow an organic garden, and keep a few chickens. I enjoy running in (orienteering) and walking the dogs in the woods. I try to support the health of the environment by buying organic products, now that I have the means to do so.

When I was 20 I had my whole life ahead of me, but no clear idea of what I wanted to do with it. Now, at 50 there are so many things I still want to accomplish and the time to do it all in seems limited. In only 10 - 20 years I will be facing retirement. I want to make a contribution to people in developing countries and experience first hand the life there, either with disaster relief or through some other work as a nurse. To this end I embarked on an 18 month course to become a nurse anesthetist this year. I look forward to this enhancement of my nursing skills.

As I look ahead I hope for a period of increased freedom and mobility now that the children are grown. A chance to travel extensively. Illness is an increasing possibility that can limit my plans for work and travel and I become more and more conscious of the need to take care of my health, and to appreciate the good health that I currently enjoy. Perhaps I will make "Live Slowly" my motto for the future.

I am celebrating the beginning of this new era, not only with a change in career, but with a new dog, given me by my children, a trip to Paris given to me by my husband, and in June I have invited my family and a few close friends to join me for a dinner cruise on the worlds oldest paddle steamer. Today, though, we will celebrate modestly: my husband has made a delicious cake: "After-8 cheese cake", the girls are coming for dinner and we plan to go to the movies in the evening to see "Angels and Demons."


This is my birthday present from the children: Lucy the belgian sheepdog

"Lament" by Somebody's Darling

You may be right: maybe I'm angry
Or maybe I'm just sad
Could be I am in mourning
For all the dreams that I had

All I know is that I don't know
Where I'm at or where to go
A mind so cluttered and I long so
For the faith I had some years ago

This pretty much sums up what I've been feeling for a good long time now. Could be midlife crisis, I guess. Not that giving it a name helps any.

What I will be missing, and what I will be gaining

What am I thinking of, going back to Norway?
There is so much here that I will be missing:
Contra dancing
NPR radio
Warm sunny days, sitting on the swings along the inlet or in the garden recliner at the farm reading.
Hot muggy days with fruit smoothies or chocolate frappucinos.
Lemonade
Apple cider
Root beer
Bagels and pastries from Ithaca Bakery
American ice cream
Coffee from Starbucks
Organic groceries from Greenstar
Restaurants like the Moosewood, and The Taste of Thai
Clothes from Old Navy
The gorges
The commons
Theater
All the lovely and interesting places in the United States that are easy to visit when you live here.
The friendliness, the ease with which one can come into conversation, the affection even in superficial friendships...

What is there in Norway that I can’t have here?
National Health: the security of knowing that your health needs will be taken care of free of charge or at least for a reasonable fee, social security in times of need.
Decent working conditions: like 5 weeks vacation, 35 hr work week, sick and maternity leave...
Nearness to all the European countries with their fantastic varieties of culture, history, cuisine etc.

I feel like I have one foot planted on each side of the Atlantic. I feel at home in both Europe and America, and at the same time I feel at home in neither one…

Taking Stock - a birthday come and gone

I need to start writing again. Life is threatening to overwhelm me, and I think writing will help me keep my thoughts in order - maybe also my feelings. Since my last post I have had a birthday. A little step nearer to 50, a little step nearer to old age. I think I was 33 when I first began to worry that my life might be wasted, might be lived in vain. The thought comes back now and then to haunt me, but usually I push it aside thinking "later. I'm too busy right now." But the next time it comes with a bit more force. I think I should not put it off any longer. Supposing there is a meaning to it all, I think I need to try and figure out something about it...

Spirituality. I am strongly attracted to it. To the idea of a life dedicated to the service of something higher, of higher beings, of God. At the same time I am afraid that embracing spirituality as a way of life would be a denial of the "real world". Which is the Real World? The world of the spirit, or the physical world around us? What if the spiritual world is an illusion? On the other hand, does it make any difference what we do, or that we live at all if we disregard the spirit? We live, we die, so what? A purely material existance seems devoid of meaning. What then, is it I am after? I want my life to have had some value, I want to make a difference.

Let me take stock of my life. I am living it with one foot on either side of the ocean. I have been living in Ithaca, New York, for a year, have begun to feel comfortable. I am close to my parents. I have good contact with my children, the relationship with my siblings is neither better nor worse. In august I am going back to Norway. I wonder if it will feel like a homecoming. Am I even able to feel at home anywhere? Mostly I feel like screaming, like running away, finding a haven, where time will stand still, where demands will cease, where I can figure out this thing about the meaning of life in general and mine in particular.

My husband needs me. He has been "holding the fort" in more ways than one, waiting for me to come back to live with him, after 3 1/2 years of living apart. I look forward to it. To sharing everyday things like sleeping, and eating together, walking the dog, doing things for each other, being close, going out to the movies, orienteering, dancing, traveling. On the other hand I feel overwhelmed with dread that I will be unable to live up to his expectations. I long for my garden, my pets, my house but dread the responsibility of looking after them.

My children are becoming more independent. What does it mean to be the mother of adult children? What transformation must the nurturing take? Only one has her immediate future settled. My 17-year old daughter has been accepted into a bakers apprenticeship. The other 3 are still waiting to hear whether they are accepted into the college/high school programs of their choice.

And there is my job: nursing. I am struggling with burnout again. I try to give so much, but feel painfully my lack of mental and emotional toughness to weather it out. I feel my lack of knowledge and skills keenly. Why, when I know that I am making a difference to my patients, can't I be content. Why am I not happy as a floor nurse, in spite of great colleagues and the possibility to give excellent care? Is it because I always feel that although I give everything I've got, the organisation never feels it is enough. I had only 4 patients pluss an new admit last night. It is a perfect patient load. I can truly give the patients the care they need and deserve in a timely manner, and within the limits of the 12 hr shift. I think if it were always like that, I would stay on the floor. But the usual load is 7 patients, 6 if some are telemetry. But I digress. What do I want from my job? What is my ultimate goal? I think it might be working with disaster relief or in an underdeveloped country. And to do that I need more critical care skills, more critical care experience.

May Day

May - my favorite month. The month of my birthday, my wedding day, the birth of my youngest daughter and the month where spring transforms to summer. All is new and lovely! All around me trees are blooming: apples, cherry and magnolia, forsythia are flaming hedges, hyacinths, tulips and daffodils spread a riot of color and scent. The snowstorm of 2 weeks ago is just a bad dream....