Taking stock

Another birthday has come and gone. It was interesting to look back on what I wrote on my last birthday, and note that I am still steering in much the same direction and what has changed along the way: 

I did indeed lose a parent on the physical plane though I feel his presence in the spiritual world, just beyond the reach of my powers of perception. Still, I am convinced that he is there, and have become more conscious of a whole community of friends and relatives who have passed over during the years. I like to think that Fathers ability to percieve me is greater than mine, so that he doesn't have to miss me as much as I miss him.

My health is on somewhat shakier footing. An intramural uterine myoma was discovered in february. It hadn't given me any trouble but reading up on them I understand that they can be the cause of heavy bleeding. So I suspect that is what is at the bottom of the anemia that I am experiencing now. Problem is, I don't have time to be sick before graduation on June 3rd. Luckily the doctor gave me some pills (cyklokopran - for those who are interested) which are sort of helping. Hopefully they will see me through the next 2 weeks. I don't much look forward to a D&C which I expect will be the next step. Ugh!

I am almost done with nurse anesthesia. Graduation is in 2 weeks. I have no job to go to though, no anesthesia job, which is a bummer, because I definitly need to practice these new skills for awhile to become competent. To a certain extent I will be able to apply what I have learned in the ER. Last week I interned with the ambulance. That was so much fun. I would loooove to work in the ambulance! The next two weeks I am interning at the university hospital in Oslo (Rikshospitalet). I'm going to take the 5 am train to Oslo and then the 4 or 5 pm train home, depending on which I am able to catch arriving about 6 or 7 pm.  I want to get a feel for what it would be like to commute to Oslo so that I can decide whether applying for an anesthesia job there would be realistic. Another possibility that I am considering is intensive care. I also have an application in with the International Red Cross to become a delegate but have not heard back so far.

I also took another look at my new years resolutions: cultivating relationships and maintaining a positive outlook. Woops! Not doing too well on either front. Not to speak of living slowly, which was going to be my motto for this next period of my life. 

When I started writing this update I was feeling the need to look at my priorities, at what is important in my life. I came to 4 areas:

nr 1: preparing for death

Fathers death has made me think about death and I have become more conscious of it's inevitability. So I continue to study anthroposophy and hope to take another crack at meditation after graduation. I've never been much good at that, but want to have another try. When I plan to travel somewhere I look at maps, read guide books, and try and learn some rudiments of the language. It's the same sort of thing that I am trying to accomplish by anthroposophical study and meditation: to get a feel for the lay of the land, the language and culture for the spiritual world. 

nr 2: service

Going through anesthesia training and no idea in what way I can make use of it raises some existensial questions with renewed urgency: what is the meaning of life on earth? where are we going as human beings? What is my individual purpose? How can I serve in the great scheme of things? I'm really not sure. And it is a test to my resolution to maintain a positive outlook that I feel so uncertain about the future.

So I carry on with my garden and my pets (Lucy is going to agility class), and try to be patient and accept what "life" offers in the way of tasks and challenges in the realm of nursing.

nr 3: Cultivating relationships

I have tried to guide my four children through childhood to adulthood, and still follow their developement ready to offer advice and support when they need it. I worry sometimes that it seems to take so long for them to "settle down". I keep having to remind myself that young adulthood is the time to travel, try out different things. To get to know oneself and the world. They all seem able to support themselves and that I think is the first step in adult maturity!

The visits a couple of weeks ago from Roland & Sharon and MaryAnn were great! We had inspiring conversations about anesthesia, sociology, relationships etc. I can't wait for september when Tor Idar and I, Mother, Roland & Sharon will meet in Malcesine on the Garda Lake in Italy.

In general, because of combining work and study (did I say "live slowly?"), I have had very little time for cultivationg relationships. I also have a huge need to be alone. But I also have a need for meaningfull conversation. Somehow I have to learn to balance these needs. The only thing I have sort of managed to make time for, has been doing stuff with Tor Idar: we have gone on walks, orienteering, to the theatre in Oslo, to Iceland and to a mountain resort all in the last 5 months. 

 

nr 4: 

Taking care of myself: Should that come last? I look forward to working out more. I've only managed about once a week since christmas. To doing frivolous things like watching Grey's anatomy, reading novels, etc. "Brother Ass" is what Francis of Assisi used to call the physical body. I'm afraid I take care of my animals better than I take care of myself. And really - I won't get very far with all of the above if I don't get my act together regarding taking care of myself. 

PS: pictures will problably be added later