Burn Out

Lately when people ask me how I am, I haven't known what to answer. I haven't been quite "right", but I haven't been able to put into words what the problem is either. Then today, as I was sitting in the doctor's office, necessity forced me to finally articulate the problem. 

For the past month or so, since Easter really, I seem to have lost the joy in my work. I find myself procrastinating when it is time to go to work until I am in a terrible stress not to be late. I find myself counting down the hours until I can go home from the time I arrive. This just isn't me, as I know myself. I love my job, I love the sense of competence, I love having the opportunity to bring some compassion into the lives of others, and I love to teach. But no more. And it has been gradually getting worse: I am feeling less competent, that I can barely keep afloat in the face of critical illness or trauma. My concentration is suffering. I dread the meetings with patients, feeling that though I am still able to give 100%, each meeting drains me more. Sometimes I feel desperate for the shift to end. And the exhaustion after a period of work lasts longer, before my energy for working out, gardening, training Lucy - all the things that are important in my life and for my health - comes back. 

And the hot flashes! I've been keeping track of them, how often and when they come and am finding that they seem to be related to stress. At the moment I start getting my stuff together at home thinking: "Oh no, I'm going to be late!" a hot flash washes over me. From then and until I return home around midnight they come at least once an hour, intense, sweat pouring off my whole body. While there might only be one or two during the course of the whole morning. 

I googled burn out and found this link to Wikepedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burnout_(psychology) Expressions used such as: "emotional exhaustion and reduced sense of personal accomplishment", and "significant reductions in non-verbal memory and in auditory and visual attention" strike a chord in that they accuratly describe my experience. The doubts regarding my competency lead to feelings of unworthiness. I get paid as a critical care expert because of my anesthesia training and competence and my current state makes me feel like a fraud. I feel I am not giving my employer what they are paying for. 

Anyway, my doctor put me on 2 weeks of sick leave so as to get a chance to rest up and get some perspective. Then, in two weeks time we will discuss reduced hours as a possibility for going forward. I will also have to think over whether a shorter commute or a change in work environment would be a solution. These 2-3 that I have been given are a respite. I plan to use them well, to practice yoga and relaxation, meditate and reflect, and hopefully things will look clearer by the time I go back to work.