cooling my heels

Still not working. On Tuesday I called my doctor's office: no result on the mrsa test yet. On Wednesday, a week after I took it, I called both in the morning and in the afternoon. Still no results. So I got on the phone to the laboratory that is running the test, and guess what? They had received the test but it wasn't labeled. So now I have had to go and have it taken again. I was fuming! This means another whole week before I can start working. A week without income. "You don't have to pay anything this time" they said when I had retaken the test! I should think not. Their mistake has cost me a weeks wages!!!

The weather is still predominantly sunny, but cooler. Definitely with the feel of fall. While waiting for the mrsa results, I am cooling my heels at home. Meantime I am spending my time cooking, gardening and working out.

On Tuesday and Friday mornings I go to spinning followed by toning exercizes. Thursday afternoons is orienteering training, and last Saturday I orienteered in a competition. Came in last (by 20 minutes) cause I didn't realize that a ski trail was supposed to be the path marked on the map. Next week I'll finally start dancing again. Husband has agreed to go swing dancing with me. That will be Wednesday evenings.

Since Husband has stopped eating meat, I'd got one of Molly Katzen's cookbooks second hand on the commons in Ithaca. She's the lady who started the Moosewood restaurant, and I'm trying out some of her recipes. Unfortunately many of them use various wines and other alcoholic beverages, and as a non-drinking family we don't have that sort of thing in the house, and I can't bring myself to go out and buy it just to experiment with recipes which I might decide I didn't like...

In the garden Husband and I built supports for the raspberries - a storm had broken off all the branches full of nearly ripe fruit - and planted a new strawberry patch with the runners from the old patch.

As soon as I turm my back...

Father called today. My sister, Ilian is in the hospital again. Some sort of intestinal blockage. They don't know why yet. I talked to her. She sounded tired, a little depressed. Can't be much fun tied to the bed with a tube in her nose waiting for the blockage to resolve. She said her friend Helena was keeping her company. Family are all far away. I hope it's nothing serious. Norway seemed so safe. An out-of-the-way corner of the world. A haven. But no sooner am I there, than Ilian is back in the Hospital. Should I have stayed? I don't know.

The kids are doing well. School started this week. The boys have started college. They are in the same program and each has recieved an advanced laptop with state of the art software.
Audun has been working in the evenings after school. He has a surprise visit from his girlfriend this weekend.
Tormod is volunteering every evening at the student pub, where he is chief of security.
Irene has been making all the cakes while the pastry chef is on vacation. She makes delicious cakes! Now the baker has bursitis and Irene has to do the baking as well. She worked a 9 hr day today and her days off are cancelled. She looks tired. But what a feat to be entrusted with so much responsibility after only a couple of months!
Ingvild loves school! She has chosen theoretical as opposed to practical math, and has applied for spanish as a forein language. They have been dancing and singing in the choir the past two days. A former friend of Tormods has been hanging out with her alot. He has just restarted high school at 19 after 2 years in a vocational program to be a mechanic.

It's been a beautiful week. Sunny, 70's. The farmers have been combining all week and Husband is overworking again, doing the feeding and milking while the farmer is out on the combine. I'm still hanging out at home. Still waiting for mrsa clearance before I can start work. They say it will take a week before I get the results of the test.

Home, sweet home

"How is it to be back?" is what everyone asks me. What shall I say? I miss the climate. Where the summer in Ithaca was sunny, whether cool, or hot, dry or humid, with the occasional thunderstorm, here it is cloudy, cool (50's and 60's), humid, rainy, with the occasional cool, breezy, sunny day thrown in.

But I love the hills and forests! And I love being back in my own house and garden, living with my husband, my children close by, surrounded by my pets: Topsy the border collie, the cats: Sebastian, Pirill, and Funky (Puseline hasn't been home since I came back), 2 cockateils, and a beta fish, newly aquired.


My own house and garden! Husband has taken such good care of them: the house clean, neat, the grass short, flower beds weeded and vegetable beds turned and ready for planting next spring. We will plant a new strawberry bed this fall. Of the apple trees, one has apples, the other does not. One of the plum trees is loaded, the other has one (!) plum. One of the blueberry bushes has blueberries, as does one of the red currents. The black currants and gooseberry bushes are hanging full. I picked the gooseberries today for a cake as my good friend Nils came for dinner tonight, and to introduce his new partner.

We are getting settled. Ingvild has made her home in the the cabin. We have been to Oslo (70 miles) to get dance duds for her. She is happily reunited with all her friends. 7 of them met us at the airport, falling all over her with squeals of joy. Since then she has been at two slumber parties and is planning one herself for friday.

I have been promised a temporary job at the ER in Hamar (closest town, 10 miles away), but can't start until my mrsa status has been cleared (whether I am a carrier of pennicillin resistant bacteria). I have a doctors appointment next wednesday. Today I will see the dentist and the optician to have my teeth and eyes checked. So now I have 2 weeks of vacation to enjoy, because the earliest I can start work will be the 28th.

On the road again!

It's my last night in Ithaca. I'm sitting at my laptop - everything else is packed away. A cool night breeze is coming in through the open windows, where the rain is splashing on the street below.

I have finished packing. 19 small and 9 large boxes sent to Norway by mail. 5 suitcases, a backpack, computer bag and handbag packed to the gills.
Tomorrow morning early we go to the farm for blueberry pancakes with my parents. Then at noon Father will drive us to the airport. We fly first to Washington DC, then to Copenhagen and finally to Oslo, where Husband will pick us up.

If only it were possible to work in Norway, but live in Ithaca! However there are some logistical problems that I have not been able to solve so far, such as the 8-10 hr commute and the 6 hr time change. *sigh*

Free but Unemployed

Night before last I had my last shift at the hospital where I have worked for the past year. Next week I go back to Norway. Here's how I spent my first day as a free woman:
I went to a day spa and got a massage and a facial, then to cost-cutters for a haircut. On the way home, I got some Thai takeout and watched an old movie: the scarlet pimpernel.
This morning I got up at 4:30 to see Audun off on the bus to New York. He is going to Blizz-con in L.A., then went back to bed and slept until Husband called at 8 am. This morning I started packing and did some errands.
Tormod called while Father was over for lunch.
In the afternoon I walked my sisters golden retriever, Finley: "Take me back to California!", he seemed to be saying,"It's too hot here". It is 103!
This evening my parents and I visited my brother, Roland to watch the DVD they had brought back from Brazil about the Alliance for Childhood. I brought fruit salad and we admired Roland's garden.
I'm staying over at my parents farm tonight, leaving Ingvild to babysit the dog.
Thus passed the first day of my last week in Ithaca.

I miss home

I miss my husband
I miss my house and my garden
I miss my daughter and my boys
I miss my dog, my cats, and birds
I miss the familiarity of nursing in Norway.

What I don't miss is the weather! Rain and cold by all accounts. Snow in the mountains. In July for Pete's sake!!

Irene can't wait for me to come home. "I'm just a child" she says. Maybe being on her own, living with her boyfriend wasn't what she expected. Poor kid. She's not even 18 and I let her do it. Should I have? Done is done. I'll be there for her now. She was so certain that she was ready. Funny to remember how at 14 she used to insist she was grown up.

The kids have their immediate futures sorted out. Irene(17) started on her baker/pastry chef apprenticeship on July 2. Ingvild(16) is starting a 3 year High School program for music, dance and theatre on August 20th, her emphasis will be dance.

The boys(19&21)are both going to go to college. A 3-year bachelors program in digital gaming and entertainment developement, including game design, sound setting, animation, programing etc.

What I will be missing, and what I will be gaining

What am I thinking of, going back to Norway?
There is so much here that I will be missing:
Contra dancing
NPR radio
Warm sunny days, sitting on the swings along the inlet or in the garden recliner at the farm reading.
Hot muggy days with fruit smoothies or chocolate frappucinos.
Lemonade
Apple cider
Root beer
Bagels and pastries from Ithaca Bakery
American ice cream
Coffee from Starbucks
Organic groceries from Greenstar
Restaurants like the Moosewood, and The Taste of Thai
Clothes from Old Navy
The gorges
The commons
Theater
All the lovely and interesting places in the United States that are easy to visit when you live here.
The friendliness, the ease with which one can come into conversation, the affection even in superficial friendships...

What is there in Norway that I can’t have here?
National Health: the security of knowing that your health needs will be taken care of free of charge or at least for a reasonable fee, social security in times of need.
Decent working conditions: like 5 weeks vacation, 35 hr work week, sick and maternity leave...
Nearness to all the European countries with their fantastic varieties of culture, history, cuisine etc.

I feel like I have one foot planted on each side of the Atlantic. I feel at home in both Europe and America, and at the same time I feel at home in neither one…

July in Ithaca...

Tomorrow is the first day of July, my last full month in Ithaca.
Here's what I have to look forward to:
15 more work nights
about 7-8 more contra dances
My dear friends, Nils and Ninna are coming for 2 weeks
My oldest son, 21-year old Audun, is coming for 1 week
My sister arrived on tuesday with her dog, so I'll be spending the month with them as well.
Ingvild just left to spend a week with my brother Adam, his wife Jane,and their children: Hanna (12) and Ben (8) on the horse farm in Missouri...
I would like to visit John, at his house in the country, though my schedule looks terrible, with ever only one or two nights off at time. He is one of my oldest friends, but I don't know if I'll be able to fit it in.
The kids should be getting their immediate future settled this month. Irene, my oldest daughter already has. She is starting her bakers apprenticeship on monday. Ingvild is waiting to hear about High School, Tormod, my 19-year old second son, and Audun are waiting to hear about college. And Husband, together with the dog, 4 cats and 2 birds, is waiting for me to come home...

When patients are rude...

Something that has been on my mind lately is how we deal with patients who are rude and uncooperative. How can we understand rudeness in our patients and their family members? I believe that the cause of these behaviors is the stress these people are experiencing. They are out of their usual environment, they feel they have no control over what is happening. Depending on their mental functioning they often don't understand what is happening either. Often their life as they knew it has suddenly been torn away from them and they have no idea if or when they will get back to it. They are expected to conform to the routines and rules of the institution, often with no consideration for the routines they have had at home. Of course they are stressed, frustrated, angry.

Occasionally, and unfortunatly much too often, I see and hear in my coworkers a lack of understanding for these reactions from patients. A tendency to react to rudeness with threats, withdrawal of care, retaliation. It concerns me, because we as caregivers are in fact in a position of power, and because of that we cannot, must not retaliate when being unfairly or meanly treated by our patients or their family members. In fact it is my experience that what the rude, uncooperative, anxious and needy patient needs is that we give them even more of our attention, listen harder, understand better, go the extra mile in caring because it is the stress and insecurity that is causing the behavior.

What is it then that causes excellent, compassionate nurses and aides to lose this perspective, and make it impossible to give the psychosocial care that is necessary to rude, uncooperative and needy patients and their family members? Could it be that this too is a symptom of stress, of being stretched thin, too many demands, too many hours. We are all trying to get through our routine tasks, as well as being alert for and react to medical emergencies and on top of that respond to our patients psychosocial crisis'. Could it be that when we as caregivers start to feel overwhelmed, our ability for understanding and compassion becomes compromised?

I too am struggling with burnout and with how to best cope with these kinds of patients. I too often just want to be left alone to do my work, and not have to deal with these issues. I'm not some sort of Supernurse, and recently, when a patient yelled at me, I just fell appart, and spent the next several hours (!) in my pod dissolved in tears, and while I was not exactly a burden to anyone, I was hardly a resource for either coworkers or patients.

Midsummer Nights Dream

In the morning Roland and Sharon picked us up to go strawberry picking. They had been to a wedding last week and the conversation in the car was about the meaning of marriage vows. The minister had said that the primary task for the newlyweds was to serve and take care of each other. Sharon quite rightly says no, the primary task is for each individual to take care of himself, becauses only then will he/she be able to give. I agree with this. Caring for another should be a gift given in freedom and love, not a chore or obligation. Marriage should not be about chains that tie a couple to one another, but about journeying through life together as partners, and companions.

In the afternoon we went to see the musical Beauty and the Beast. That play moves me. The themes: that love cannot be about ownership (Gascon wants to own Belle, the beast keeps her prisoner to try to force her to love him); but about getting under the other persons skin, seeing beneath the surface (Belle discovers the vulnerable, the struggling human under the surface of the beast); allowing the needs of the beloved to come before ones own desires (the beast lets Belle go even though he risks never becoming human again, because she needs to help her father).

In the evening Mother and Father's midsummer potluck and bonfire. Before everyone came we celebrated Sharon's birthday (of last week) with presents. A variety of people came to the potluck: old friends of my parents, a couple of ladies from the German folksong group, a family from the Waldorf school, there were young children and a couple of girls in their early 20's that Ingvild could hang out with. There was lots of good food: vegetable curry with rice, macaroni and tuna salad, green salad, baked beans, boiled carrots and pickled red beets. For desert there was jello with pears, strawberry shortcake, and Sharon's carrot-coconut cake with cream cheese icing! When it started getting dark, we all went to the back garden here Father had prepared the bonfire, and as it it burned we sang rounds, the kids made s'mores and roasted marshmallows. Fireflies were flitting about. And in the summer sky, the moon, Venus, and Jupiter like jewels among the other stars...

Taking Stock - a birthday come and gone

I need to start writing again. Life is threatening to overwhelm me, and I think writing will help me keep my thoughts in order - maybe also my feelings. Since my last post I have had a birthday. A little step nearer to 50, a little step nearer to old age. I think I was 33 when I first began to worry that my life might be wasted, might be lived in vain. The thought comes back now and then to haunt me, but usually I push it aside thinking "later. I'm too busy right now." But the next time it comes with a bit more force. I think I should not put it off any longer. Supposing there is a meaning to it all, I think I need to try and figure out something about it...

Spirituality. I am strongly attracted to it. To the idea of a life dedicated to the service of something higher, of higher beings, of God. At the same time I am afraid that embracing spirituality as a way of life would be a denial of the "real world". Which is the Real World? The world of the spirit, or the physical world around us? What if the spiritual world is an illusion? On the other hand, does it make any difference what we do, or that we live at all if we disregard the spirit? We live, we die, so what? A purely material existance seems devoid of meaning. What then, is it I am after? I want my life to have had some value, I want to make a difference.

Let me take stock of my life. I am living it with one foot on either side of the ocean. I have been living in Ithaca, New York, for a year, have begun to feel comfortable. I am close to my parents. I have good contact with my children, the relationship with my siblings is neither better nor worse. In august I am going back to Norway. I wonder if it will feel like a homecoming. Am I even able to feel at home anywhere? Mostly I feel like screaming, like running away, finding a haven, where time will stand still, where demands will cease, where I can figure out this thing about the meaning of life in general and mine in particular.

My husband needs me. He has been "holding the fort" in more ways than one, waiting for me to come back to live with him, after 3 1/2 years of living apart. I look forward to it. To sharing everyday things like sleeping, and eating together, walking the dog, doing things for each other, being close, going out to the movies, orienteering, dancing, traveling. On the other hand I feel overwhelmed with dread that I will be unable to live up to his expectations. I long for my garden, my pets, my house but dread the responsibility of looking after them.

My children are becoming more independent. What does it mean to be the mother of adult children? What transformation must the nurturing take? Only one has her immediate future settled. My 17-year old daughter has been accepted into a bakers apprenticeship. The other 3 are still waiting to hear whether they are accepted into the college/high school programs of their choice.

And there is my job: nursing. I am struggling with burnout again. I try to give so much, but feel painfully my lack of mental and emotional toughness to weather it out. I feel my lack of knowledge and skills keenly. Why, when I know that I am making a difference to my patients, can't I be content. Why am I not happy as a floor nurse, in spite of great colleagues and the possibility to give excellent care? Is it because I always feel that although I give everything I've got, the organisation never feels it is enough. I had only 4 patients pluss an new admit last night. It is a perfect patient load. I can truly give the patients the care they need and deserve in a timely manner, and within the limits of the 12 hr shift. I think if it were always like that, I would stay on the floor. But the usual load is 7 patients, 6 if some are telemetry. But I digress. What do I want from my job? What is my ultimate goal? I think it might be working with disaster relief or in an underdeveloped country. And to do that I need more critical care skills, more critical care experience.

Mother's Birthday

This year is Mother's 75th birthday! Those of us who were in town gathered at my house on Thursday afternoon to celebrate: Ingvild and I, Mother and Father, even Roland and Sharon came, surfacing from end of term round the clock frenzy of writing papers. I was especially happy about that, because I know they have little time. We went out to eat at Sebastian's Cucina, the new organic restaurant, featuring grass fed beef raised by Sebastian himself, as well as fish and a few vegetarian dishes. The food was good, but not great. The prices were good, considering that most of the food was organic though. The atmosphere was cozy. I guess with a name like that, I had expected the menu to feature Italian food, which it did not. After dinner we went back to my place for cake and tea. Cake being the delicious nut and chocolate layer cake from Green Star.
The party broke up pretty early, Sharon had to get back to her writing, and Mother and Father are going to San Diego tomorrow to visit my sister. Not surprisingly Mother has not packed yet.

I was surprised however, when I arrived at the farm on friday morning to find her standing over the stove cooking blinzes for breakfast, 45 minutes before we were due to leave for the airport.
"Shall I put your bags in the car awhile?" I asked.
"Oh, I haven't finished packing yet!" was the answer.
We got to the airport a bare hour before the plane was due to leave. One of these days Mother is going to miss a plane. She's a regular Bridget Jones when it comes to packing.

What is a good nurse? - knowledge, compassion, teamwork

The past few days I have experienced 3 things that make me feel good about myself:
1. I passed the 102 strip tele test. I also passed ADSL recertification.
2. A coworker said to me: "you are so fast! Three times in 2 nights when something is happening with one of the patients you right on the spot, asking what you can do to help!
3. Another coworker told me that a patient had told her that he liked me so much, and the care I gave.
There is hope for me yet!

For weeks my self confidence as a nurse has been at an all-time ebb. I ask myself - do I know enough to make the decisions that could affect my patients life and death, or seriously impact their quality of life? Do I have enough compassion? Am I a good co-worker or am I just a dead weight, barely able to take care of my own area of responsibility? The responsibility has been weighing on me. The stess has been overwhelming and as usual it affects my memory, my concentration and my outlook. I like to say that while some people, when they are stressed and overworked get migraines or ulcers, I get dementia. My mind feels like a sieve. I've been looking into how my healthstyle can improve my mental abilities and my tolerance for stress and frustration. Some things I have been trying are water aerobics, Tai Chi, fresh air and sunlight (I take a book to the swing bench on the park along the lake and read and swing while I soak up the sunshine), and abundant fruit and vegetables.

My brother, Adam, addressing the question of knowledge, told me how he went about learning his ship inside-out when he was in the navy. It inspired me to study even harder, and use some of his methods. The fact is, I love nursing. I love learning it and I love practicing it. I genuinely like the patients, and I love the experience of good teamwork. I just don't love the grunge and the dust invading my house as my work takes over my private life as well as my work life, I don't like never having time for my 15-year old daughter, Ingvild, or time to write to friends.

May Day

May - my favorite month. The month of my birthday, my wedding day, the birth of my youngest daughter and the month where spring transforms to summer. All is new and lovely! All around me trees are blooming: apples, cherry and magnolia, forsythia are flaming hedges, hyacinths, tulips and daffodils spread a riot of color and scent. The snowstorm of 2 weeks ago is just a bad dream....

Outer Banks Sunrise