weekend getaway - Oslo

My christmas present to Husband this year was a hotel-dinner-show package in Oslo. We don't have to go to Paris or London to get away from it all, I reasoned, we can just go to Oslo and it's much cheaper.

So on Saturday morning we boarded the 11:17 train to Oslo. Though only an hour and a half away, I could feel the stress and tension slide away as the train traveled through the snowy landscape. In Oslo we wandered from the Central Train station along the main shopping street. I needed a new pairs of winter boots, as the zipper on my old ones finally busted. It being January, winter shoes were on sale at 50% off in most stores, so I had no trouble finding some nice boots. Behind the parliament building we found Halvorsen's Cafe, an Oslo establishment, 130 years old, and renowned for their delicious cakes and sandwiches. This is also where Irene was apprenticed until New Years. We had coffee and cake and then found our hotel, right behind the Grand Hotel of Obama peace prize fame and checked in. The room was small but cozy. After resting and showering we wandered back out onto the evening streets, looking for the little Thai restaurant where I had planned to eat Dinner. The Thai Orchid was a true "hole in the wall" with very little atmosphere (plastic table cloths, flourescent lights) but I had read excellent reviews on the cuisine which is why I had chosen the place. It did not disappoint. The food was delicious and and perfectly cooked.

After Dinner we went to the Oslo National Theater where we saw an impressive performance of Jesus Christ Superstar. The setting was modern. Jesus' disciples were transvestites, street people, hookers, the and freedom fighters with machine guns. These provided associations to the Palestine/Israel conflict, along with posters saying "tear down the walls"  during the entry into Jerusalem demonstration. Judas was excellently played, both the interpretation and the acting was outstanding. When you compared it with the interpretation of Mary Magdalene you saw that Judas tragedy was that he was not changed as a person through his contact with Jesus, whereas Mary was transformed. Jesus was played by a rock singer who presented a very distasteful Jesus (I believe that was intentional), his best acting was during the suffering of Jesus. Perhaps because he is not an actor and this part is where he could draw on his own experiences as a heroin addict, and survivor of drug induced psychosis, and 2 overdoses, one intentional. I find it interesting that the work on Jesus Christ Superstar coincided with his process of finally becoming completely drug-free.
 

We went to bed early and slept late (for us - which means until 7:40). Had a sumptuous breakfast in the hotel: whole grain bread, lots of fish, lean sandwich meats, cheeses, fruit, vegetables, yogurt with muesli, nuts and dried fruits, eggs and bacon, the works...

Back through a quiet sunday morning city. We visited the new opera building, where walked up to the roof from which you can look out over Oslo harbor and the inner city as well as the hills beyond though these were shrouded in mist today. It makes you feel on top of the world. We took the 11:37 train back to Stange where the girls and Irene's friend Desiree have been holding down the fort during our absence.

It was a great weekend, but now that I have written this I have to buckle down and get back to work, preparing for my nursing practice.

In the bleak midwinter...

...frosty winds may moan
Earth stood hard as iron
Water like a stone.
Snow had fallen snow on snow...

Since the snowstorm of Christmas night, we have been in the gripps of a cold spell so severe, it makes you wonder what the fuss about global warming was all about. This morning for the first time in 3 weeks we are seeing temperatures warmer than 5 (F) - and not a whole lot warmer. Temps around here have been down to 25 below zero some places.

Husband has been sick again. He called me on Saturday morning (I was still at work) because he had the sore throat from hell and a fever. In spite of running temperatures of 103 - 104 all weekend, he insisted on going to work on Monday. A co-worker who happened to come by to inspect the boars found him sitting in a pen.

- "are you sitting there?"

- "I guess so"

- " are you sick"

- " I guess I am"

- "I'll help you finish up. How far have you gotten?"

- "I've finished feeding"

- "yes, I can see that." (the boars are all busily eating at their trouphs) Have you cleaned the pens?"

- " I think so"

But it didn't look like it. Husband couldn't remember what he had done or how he had come to be sitting in a pen about half way down the row. Back at home, after finishing up the chores together he took his temperature: it was 105. Fortunately the experience convinced him that some sick leave was in order, and he is now, after a couple days of R&R, back at work and cycling none the worse for wear, other than clogged sinuses.

Two weeks of school have passed in a flash. I have decided on a subject for my final paper: awareness in anesthesia and what can be done to relieve distress connected with such an experience. On monday I start another 12 weeks of practice nursing on the anesthesia unit in Hamar. My self confidence is at an ebb right now. My age is against me, and my academic results are no more than average - how easy will it be to get a job as nurse anesthetist? Actually there is an opening now in Elverum for the spring. I intend to apply, but hold no great hopes out. My resolution to have a positive outlook is a bit frayed at the edges. It started out okay, but after the first week of school I found my motivation slipping and my temper flaring at the least provocation. Working out seems to help - surprisingly. I dragged myself to the gym, sat there peddling the stationary bike to music and cursing to myself for wasting an hour on something that just made me feel more exhausted, and all my muscles hurt, but afterwards, miraculously my good humor and positive outlook had returned. For a while.

New Years Day - 2010

Standing at the bedroom window last night watching the fireworks I started thinking about new years resolutions.

Two things come to mind that I want to carry over from 2009 into this new year.

One is that I have reconnected with several friends from long ago – people I have had no contact with for 30 years or so. This has come about through Facebook. It is interesting to see what has been happening to old friends. To see whether there is still a connection of interest. Facebook has the potential to be a medium for contact. On the one hand it offers a window into somebody's life. On the other it offers a forum for real personal interaction. Of course it can also just be about «fake contact», meaning that although you are friended on Facebook you don't actually have anything to do with each other. So I hope to carry on last years resolution to nurture contact with friends, though I realize that it will have to be a bare minimum until school lets out in June.

Second is that after Father's death I began working with anthroposophy again. It started with me and mother reading for Father before and after the funeral. When I got home I started reading my book of Steiner lectures on Life between Death and Rebirth. Then someone told me about the website called rudolfsteineraudio.com and I began downloading lectures from that to listen to while doing housework and walking the dogs. I feel like there is a whole community of the dead with whom I can stay connected through anthroposophical reading. It used to be something that I wanted to do for myself, for my own spiritual development. However I was never motivated enough to get off the ground. A good novel is so much more interesting. I guess Father being so close has made me more aware of the other friends and relatives who have passed on in the past 15 years or so. In my imagination the spiritual world has become a populated place, where close friends and family members wait to hear from me. I want to thank Father for helping me become aware of them.

Yesterday I was saying that New years eve is the day when you grieve over mistakes and lost possibilities in the year that is past, and dread the year to come. ("gremmer deg over året som gikk og gruer deg til året som kommer"). My third new years resolution must be to regain and maintain a positive attitude. I know that my negative attitude is the result of stress, pressure and exhaustion. Healthful eating and regular exercise will contribute towards making me more resistant to the negative effects of stress, I think. I also learned the value of good planning and scheduling when I had my home exam. Sticking to my motto for my 50^th birthday: «live slowly» will I think also help. I say «Living slowly» in the sense of not rushing through things, but rather enjoying in the challenges and tasks of the moment. I came to this motto when wrestling with the problem of growing older. How can I assure that when I look back on my life in 10 or 20 years I will not find it to have been all a waste. My theory is that it is not so much a question of how much did I accomplish, as how did I accomplish what I did? And so I decided to quit rushing and start dwelling in the present.

So these are then my New Years Resolutions:

1. to cultivate my relationships with friends and family, living and dead.

2. To regain and maintain a positive outlook.

New Years Eve - 2009

I've been listening to BBC World Service on the radio. For the past few days the theme has been: What has your year been like?

What has my year been like?
In January I started further education to become a nurse anesthetist. It was exciting, stimulating and challenging. I feel that what I learn enriches my work and visa versa. At the same time it is exhausting to study full-time while working half-time and at the end of the first semester I wondered how I would get through the next.

Father died this year. I spent a month with mother and father in february/march which I really enjoyed. He was doing pretty well then, stacking firewood, pruning apple trees etc. I could concentrate on getting Mother back on her feet after her knee replacement surgery. In retrospect I am happy to have spent those weeks with them.

When I returned from America we picked up my 50th birthday present from the children: Lucy, a 4 month old belgian shephard puppy. She is a real sweety: a bit shy, quite smart and very active.

In May Father began experiencing increasing falls and weakness of the extremities and it was discovered that the myeloma had migrated to the brain. What a disappointment after the blood work had been getting better and better all through the winter! This new complication is very rare but has a bad prognosis: 3 months from what I could find out.

Summer vacation: we celebrated my birthday on Skibladner, the worlds oldest paddle steamer. Then came a week in Paris, my present from Husband. There we wandered the streets, visited churches, parks and museums. My favorite experiences were the Monet water lilies, the stained glass windows of Saint Chapelle, the Cluny museum and the Weleda massage. We also spent a weekend at the cabin in Valdres, and had a visit from Tante Christina. On August 1st we went to California for 3 weeks where we visited Ilian and Roland, drove up the coast, into the mountains and the desert.

When we went to Cortland on the way home to see Father, he was dying. Not knowing how long it would still take, I went back to Norway as planned. However, 5 days later I was back on a plane heading for New York. Adam called just as we were leaving to go to the airport to say that Father had died. They were all there when I arrived: Ilian had just come from California. Roland, Adam, Mother, Beren and Tormod were there, and Ann, the family friend who had held his hand when he died. We spent 2 weeks together, preparing the funeral and after that, just spending time together. I feel I have come closer to my family this year.

While I loved the weeks spent with family, I was missing school, and came back with a research project to make up and new projects to complete. This whole fall I seem to have spent catching up. Catching up on missed classes while I was in America, then after I had the swine flu, catching up on missed shifts of practice nursing. The fall semester ended with a home exam. Writing it was fun and I learned just how much I can pack into a day when I schedule properly. The results aren't in yet. I feel unsure as to how it went (update: I got a C. Dissapointing)

And so we come to Christmas vacation, where I am trying to force myself to take a break from studying, but am finding that it's all catching up with me - how exhausted I really am. Outside we have 2 feet of snow, and temperatures around zero Fahrenheit. When it is so cold I find myself holding my breath waiting for something to break down: the car, the electricity or the water. At least we have lots of firewood.

Right now, I'm still so exhausted that I am not even looking forward to college starting up again on Monday - I'm scared to death I won't make it, I guess. And also that overworking, like I have to for at least another 6 months, I might make some fatal mistake at work or in practice nursing: a mistake of judgement or of priority. Somehow in the I next 3 days I have to psych myself up to go into the new year with a positive attitude, to take hold of it and make the most of it. But now I am going to bed. Will try to write a forward looking post tomorrow.

Happy New Year!

Engagement

Ingvild and Christhian got engaged this Christmas. Christhian is a 24 year old elektronics major from Columbia. They have been dating for a year and 3 months. Christhian has relatives in Norway, which is how they met. He was visiting them during the summer break from college in Spain. They plan to move in together after Ingvild graduates from high school and get married in 2011.


This year Irene made the marsipan piggies for the prize to the one finds the almond in the rice pudding.


And here is my hansome husband in his Christmas tie.

A Dog's Christmas

I am Topsy. I am 9 years old and I used to be an only dog, back in the good old days. About 9 months ago Master and Mistress brought home another dog, Lucy, who is a Real Pest. I have to let Master and Mistress pet her. She belongs to Mistress, and that is Okay, but why do I have to let Master pet her too? I can't have anything to myself anymore. They let her go on walks with us and she is always showing off how fast she can run. She gets to lie in my bed when they go away, and she gets to eat at the same time as me. They don't seem to understand that as younger dog she should be getting my leftovers only.

Christmas is fun. Master and Mistress always put up a tree in the living room. It has lot's of stuff hanging on it, and underneath are boxes and parcels wrapped in colored paper and string, and there is always one parcel hidden among the others with a yummy pigs ear inside. This year there were two. I went straight to the pile and picked one out, but they took it away and put it back. Said I had to wait. Well, I parked myself in front of the tree. I was at least going to make sure Lucy didn't get one of those pig-ear parcels. Later on in the evening they let us each have one. Lucy took hers and hid behind Master's chair with it. It's too bad she's so sneaky 'cause I would have taken it away from her otherwise. It's fun tearing up the paper before getting to the pigs ear. Pigs ears are my favorite goodie!



Believe it or not, next morning they put these delicious smelling kibbles in gravy out in bowls. Why they put them on a counter where only the cats could get at them I can't understand. I tried to stand on my hind leggs to eat from the bowls but Mistress wouldn't let me. Imagine wasting such yummy food on cats!

The cats tried to palm a mouse off on me. I didn't want the mouse, I wanted the catfood in gravy! Of course the mouse might have been meant for Lucy. She plays with the cats a lot. Thinks she's very brave making feignts at them snarling and showing her teeth, all the while trying to avvoid those sharp claws. Cats play dirty, so I don't even bother anymore. Anyway, Lucy had only just started chewing on the mouse when Master saw her and took it away. I guess the cats felt sorry for her cause they brought her a new mouse later on and she managed to chew it up and swallow it before Master was able to get hold of it.



I try to teach Lucy manners whenever possible. But she always starts crying and then Master and Mistress come running and make me stop and comfort her. It's sickening. Still I let her know whose boss as often as I can and give her a thrashing whenever I can get away with it.

Christmas Eve

It's been a long hard fall. Starting with Father's death; then, when I got home classes to attend, papers to write while catching up on the ones that I missed. Since the beginning of October, practice nursing on the anesthesia unit in Elverum, all the while working half-time. It was tough, worse than in the spring. In the course of the 10 weeks I had the swine flu (H1N1), a multiple choice anesthesiology exam as well as preparing for the home exam in anesthesia nursing. At the evaluation my teacher and nurse mentor strongly recommended that I put my books away and rest up during the Christmas break. I was exhausted by then, and it was affecting my performance.

Immediately following the period of practice nursing came the home exam. We were given the exam-text at 9 am on Monday morning and had to hand it in by noon the following Monday. We could choose between 2 subjects: obstetrics and general surgery. I chose obstetrics since this would be my last chance to learn about the subject. During the practical I had only actually been involved in 2 cesareans. I planned my days carefully with 3-4 two to three hour work periods, totalling 8 hrs a day for 7 days (9 hrs on the last day). Between work sessions I walked the dogs, went shopping, made dinner, hung laundry etc. The only problem was that when I was done writing I had 1300 too many words. I spent almost the whole last day cutting back. In the end I wrote a little about a lot. The question is whether I rather should have written a lot about a little. But by the time I realized that I should have done it completely differently it was Friday afternoon - too late to start over.

For those who are interested here's what I wrote about: We were given a case. Part A was to identify and describe the challenges for anesthesia nursing contained in the case. Part B was to write about one of these problems in depth. The case was a young women coming for a semi-emergency cesarean because of failure to progress with labor after an uneventful pregnancy. In my paper I took her through all the scenarios which could necessitate conversion of an epidural anesthesia to general anesthesia and then all the complications relating to airway management during the induction of general anesthesia and the options which each complication presented.

When I went to work in the afternoon after handing in the test I found I still am not up to my best performance. This has been bothering me since. As a nurse you have to be up to your best, all the time. As a nurse anesthetist even more so. And so I have decided that the advice given at the evaluation was good and that I would try to rest up during Christmas. I have so far been able too stay away from my books. I have some withdrawal symptoms - a kind of restlessness, but am doing my best to frivolously do things like watching Grey's Anatomy, reading novels, playing logic games (griddlers) online, and do some working out (unfortunately all this school stuff is not good for my waistline).

During the last few days I have also been enjoying baking hutzelbrot and bagels, shopping, setting up the creche and decorating for Christmas. Really I have to thank my family that we are having a Christmas at all! Husband baked almost all the cookies. Ingvild and Christhian trimmed the tree yesterday. I am now going to start cooking christmas dinner, before picking up Irene from the bus from Oslo, and Ingvild from work.

Merry Christmas!

"Swine Flu"

For the longest time I was trying to be exact in my terminology and call it Influensa A(H1N1). Then it turns out that this too, is a term describing a number of virus', among others the "real" swine flu (of which it turns out there are 2 types, an american and a european). So to be really exact I would have to call it "new influensa A (H1N1)". I recently saw a shorter and also very precice name: A(H1N1)09.
Anyway, the media attention and the regulations etc following in the wake of this flu are tremendous. Other years when there is a flu going around nobody stays home from work or school for a week. A lot of people I know tough it out even with a fever, a sniffle and couph.
To tell the truth, I don't know what the fuss is all about. Every year there are 1000 - 1500 deaths related to the seasonal flu in Norway. So far there have been 15 deaths from Swine Flu.
I had it last week, and I got it from Husband. He had started coughing on thursday morning and in the afternoon it hit him like a freight train with a fever of 40 C. Since he works for Norsvin and they were worried about the pigs getting infected they sent him to the doctor to get tested. They also gave him Tamiflu, and antiviral medicine. That was nasty stuff! He started vomiting about an hour after taking it and continued all day. I started coughing on friday, but didn't get a fever after I went to bed late that evening. Felt pretty bad on saturday: fever up to 39 C, muscle aches, mainly my back. Saturday I woke up with no fever, just a bit of sore throat and that bad couph. By evening I was running a low temperature again: about 38, and coughed so much it made me throw up. Once. Monday the doctors office called with the results: it was swine flu. So for the next 4 days, although I felt fine, except for the cough which was getting better all the time, I had to stay home. I was climbing the walls with frustration. Couldn't seem to concentrate on studying either. I was dead weary, which made me wonder how it would be to go back to work, but that dissapeared completely. I felt great, and suspect the weariness was in my mind, caused by being stuck at home.

I had refused to take the vaccine. I believe that the immunity I can get from actually being sick is both stronger and lasts longer than a vaccine would have given me. Plus I don't have to worry about the side effekts of this practically untested vaccine.

Indian Summer

Indian summer i over. For 3 weeks the days were mild, sunny and golden as the leaves gradually turned to yellows and reds. The blueberries ripened in the garden as did the apples and plums. The purple clematis finally opened it's buds and started flowering. Over the last two days it has gotten cold with rime on the grass in the mornings. It's time to dig up the carrots and red beets. I find myself humming Michaelmas songs during my morning walk with the dogs. Soon I will have to put a reflex jacket on Lucy so that I can see her in the dark of the morning. With the frost the realization flooded over med 8 MORE MONTHS before it is spring again! How will I be able to survive? It feels like forever. It feels like a sentence. One thing is sure, as soon as the house is paid off (in about 10 years), I will no longer stay in Norway for the winter. I'm sure I will again be able to enjoy the fall when I can look forward to going somewhere warm in November.

When I started work again 2 weeks ago, I was met with many kind questions regarding my loss. I guess my colleagues preferred to express their sentiments in person. The first weekend after coming home was difficult. I think the kind words and even a few hugs (from Norwegians, imagine!) helped to make things easier. It only comes in flashes now and then - the loss, the realization that he won't answer when I call, won't be there when I visit, won't be needing a christmas or birthday present...

Today was the last day at school. I have in these past weeks attended lectures on surgery and anesthesia to patients under special circumstances, a theme day on organ harvesting and transplantation, another on legal, practical and ethical aspects of medical tecknology, a 2 day ethics seminar, as well completing a research project and a project on anesthesia care of the elderly. On Monday starts the second period of student anesthesia practice: 10 weeks this time, in Elverum which has specialties in orthopedic, obstetric, gynecologic, ENT (ear nose throat) and eye surgery. Also coming up is a theme day on trauma care, and a day or teaching practice (we teach the bachelor students first aid). In November we have a multiple choice test in anesthesiology and in december, a week long home exam in anesthesia nursing. So if I do not update until christmas is because I am way too busy!

Before I sign off: Irene is coming home from England tomorrow! She is spending a week with us, before going to Oslo to resume her pastry chef training at a prestigious bakery, right around the corner from the Norwegian Parliament building. http://www.halvorsensconditori.no/ I wish her lots of luck!!!

Back in Norway and college

I've been back at college for a week. A few people asked how things went with Father, and I told them. Other than that, Norwegians seem to be incredibly reticent about mentioning anything to do with Father's death. Not that they know him, but it's been no secret that I have lost my father. I think the only reason my student colleagues asked is because they didn't know that he had died. None of my work colleagues have breathed a word, although 32 of them are on facebook. Well, I haven't been to work yet since I got back. Someone might say something.

The short and long of it is though that I feel kind of invisible. As soon as my mind is at rest it goes to Father and Mother, to our family that doesn't exist any more as we knew it. I miss them. I miss Mother, Roland and Sharon, and Ilian, and Adam and his family and "the boys" (Beren and Tormod).

Still, for the most part I have been keeping busy this week: a theme day on organ harvesting and transplant surgery on monday, classes on anesthesia on tuesday and wednesday. I am 2 weeks behind the rest of the class with a research project. I was hoping I wouldn't have to do it - but no such luck. Though I do get to do a shortened version and I get more time. Still I have been slaving over research since thursday and all weekend.

We visited my in-laws this weekend. Stayed with my brother-in-law and family. Much more relaxing than previous visits where we have stayed with Husband's parents. The children are wonderful: Cathrine, age 13 and Christian, age 6. Jan Kåre and Marie have done a good job with them. I think the same thing when I see Adam's children: Hanna, 16 and Ben, 12. Great kids. Why was it such a struggle for me? Because I had 4, not 2? Because I had them so close together? Maybe. I think though that the real reason is that in both these families the parents cooperate very well with each other, while in my case, my ex and I never worked well together. Then when we came apart I was overwhelmed and he was unsupportive; and it was the children who suffered.

The weeks after...

We stayed with mother for a time after the funeral: Roland and Sharon, Ilian and me. It's too bad Adam couldn't be there. As for Ilian, Roland and me, this is the first time we have all lived under one roof for a week or more... It was nice. We went for walks, blueberry picking, and chorus rehearsal with mother. Helped with cooking, laundry, freezing vegetables and getting her papers and finances in order.

For a few days we were all together. After Sharon left the rest of us slowly began to pick up the threads of normal life. I started working on the research project for college, Ilian started working on preparation for a workshop she is giving, and Roland went back to work in Ithaca.

Before Ilian left we burried Father's ashes at the natural cemetery. Roland had designed the stone. The cemetery people had prepared the site: dug a hole and framed it with greens, covered the pile of earth with greens and flowers. Ilian lined the hole with a white silk tibetan skarf, then laid the bag of ashes in the hole and covered it. Mother and I shovelled in the earth, before Tormod and Beren laid the stone on top. Finally we laid the greens and flowers around the stone. When all was done, Mother read "I am the resurection and the life..." from the Gospel of John. We sang the song from the funeral party: "we plow the fields and skatter..." and ended with the lords prayer.

The next day I drove Ilian to Rochester from where she flew back to California. And 2 days later I flew back to Norway.

Father's Funeral

Sometimes I've tried to imagine what a funeral in our family would be like, based on other funerals I've been to. It was impossible to imagine. Now that I have experienced one first hand I must say, it was nothing like other funerals and very typically Willwerth: chaotic, sad, joyfull, serious, irreverent, full of laughter, tears and love. When the funeral home people came, in their black suits and sober faces to take father away, we had them joking in the space of 5 minutes. When saying goodbye at the crematorium, the funeral director told us that she enjoyed working with us because our family showed so much respect for Father and for each other. She said that is not so common.
Some might think that having a wake in the home would be wierd. What would have been wierd would have been if the family had gathered and father would have been in a cooler somewhere. We felt the need to be near him and it felt good to go about our daily life in the kitchen and living room, knowing that father lay just behind the door in the sunroom and that one could go in to sit with him any time. It was the same room,in which he had lain for the last 2 weeks of his life and where he had died. People came quietly to read for him. Once the monks came and chanted and burned inscense. Another time a woman brought her 2 young children, maybe 7 and 9 years old. The little boy played the violine for father. Ilian who usually lives in Ithaca when she is in the area came out to live at the farm. Mother continued to sleep right outside the room where father lay, as she did when he was alive. It felt right to be near him.
The days leading up to the funeral were incredibly busy. Adam had made a list before going back to Maine to bring back his family, which we divided between us: Ilian organized the picnic (the Willwerths don't do receptions, they do picnics), I wrote the program, the notices for the papers and the inscription for the stone, and Roland laid it all out on the computer, made the web-site and helped mother get the bookkeeping organized. Together we wrote a biography of Father. People brought flowers and food. Thank goodness for the food. We sure didn't have time to cook! Sunday evening the choir director came by and we spent a great hour singing songs and hyms to each other and deciding what to sing at the funeral. We settled on the choir singing 2 and the congregation singing 3. Monday evening the Christian Community priest arrived from Detroit and had a pow-wow with the episcopalian/lutheran pastor of the church where my parents sing in the choir. She had offered the use of the church but was completely unfamiliar with the Christian Community. The meeting went well however and it was agreed that she would read the Scripture at the beginning and speak to the reading at the end.
At 10 am on the day of the funeral the family was gathered in the room where Father lay, for the first part of the funeral. I was serving and as I entered ahead of the priest, I found myself looking for Father in the crowd, before I realized that of course, he wasn't there. Afterwards the funeral people came and closed the coffin and took it to the church. Lots of flowers arrived. It was wonderful to see how many people remembered him and honored him with flowers and cards. It was a beautiful service. The organist played some of the hyms which we had sung at our meeting but not included in the program while people were coming in. Wildflowers were skattered over the coffin. The choir were at their best. Even though we had chosen songs of joy, the opening song "Morning has broken" made me want to cry. I was supposed to say a few words at the end, but it soon became apparent that both priests said almost everything I had to say. So I had to quickly change my speech. I cut out all the preachy stuff, talked about fathers love of music - he had a song for every occasion - and his reverence for the earth and love of animals. I ended by describing the cemetary plot that is waiting for his ashes. A lot of people came to the funeral, people from church, from the waldorf and bio-dynamic movement, people from the food bank, the union where father was a board member until he became ill a year ago, people from the tibetan buddhist monestery, puppet people and neighbors.
After the service we, the closest family accompanied the coffin to the crematorium. They let us come all the way in, let us watch how they put the casket into the incinerator and turned it on. We said the Lords Prayer a final time and then we went home. Again, it felt right to follow his body to the bitter end. Each step along the way was a little heart wrenching, took him a little further, starting with his actual death, then when he was put in the casket, then when he left the house, and finally when they put him in the oven and turned it on. That was as far as one can go, and it enabled us to let go of his body and turn our focus to his spirit, by celebrating his life, with a pot-luck picnic, music, and dancing. It was such a nice gathering, we remembered father, shared food and music and conversation with friends. It was just the sort of picnic that Father has been a part of for so many years!
Adam had to return to Maine the next day. The rest of us will be returning to our homes one by one - Sharon, at the end of the week, Ilian on thursday, I next weekend, and then Roland a week or so after that. Before we go our seperate ways we want to bury the ashes at a natural cemetary. Father's plot is next to a small white pine tree, at the edge of a field of goldenrod, overlooking the valley and hills beyond. The stone is a local field stone and is making the inscription with his name and dates and two lines of a verse in German about resting enclosed by the earth in the knowledge that it is a part of God.

Father has died

On friday evening at 7:30 my father passed away. Both my brothers were with him during his last days. He died at home which is what he wanted. When I said Goodbye on Sunday it would be the last time I saw my father alive.
I think he had a beautifull death, all things considered. Many things happened during the last week of his life to facilitate his crossing over. On Monday a priest from the Christian Community came to give him communion and the last annointing. On tuesday the monks from the tibetan buddhist monastery in Ithaca came to pray with Father, and on Thursday the Lutheran/Episcopalean church choir came to sing for him. Though he slept most of the time, we had the distinct impression that he participated inwardly in all of these events - in fact he even hummed along with the choir!
When my brother Adam called me on thursday evening to say that the end was near, it was too late to get a flight on friday. I was able to book a flight for Saturday morning and had just gotten up at 2 am to get ready to go to the airport when Adam called again to say that Father had just died. I wish I could have been there for his passing, but even if I had been able to leave on friday morning, I still wouldn't have made it. The trip took 24 hrs.

When I arrived in Cortland, Tormod, was at the busstop to pick me up. It was so good to see him! Beren was also there. On the way out to the farm we had a distressing experience. Tormod was stopped by the police who had been following us for a little while. They took all our ID, and ran a check on it, asked if we had drugs or had been drinking, if we had knives or shotguns or anything in the car. Asked me who the boys were to me etc. We told them where we were going and why but they continued their questions and search. When they were satisfied and had returned our papers Tormod asked the officer for his name. The officer took back Tormod's licence and registration and left us sitting in the car for another 15 minutes. When he came back, he gave Tormod a ticket for having a dealer frame around his licence plate which he claimed was illegal in New York State, in spite of the fact that 8 out of 10 cars have them. So now Tormod has to show up in court on september 11, or pay a fine. I was shocked by this blatent abuse of power. Though I have heard of it, I have never before experienced harrassment at the hands of an officer of the law, and I found it deeply disturbing.

When we got to the farm everyone was there: Adam and Roland, Ilian, who had just arrived from California herself, and Joe, Mother, and the lady who had been present at Fathers death. I asked her to tell us about the moment of death. Mother and my brothers had gone to the theater (to see the Pirates of Penzanze, one of Father's favorite shows) and this family friend, Ann was sitting with Father while they were gone. Mother had said goodbye and even gotten a kiss from Father. Ann said that father was lying with half open eyes, breathing heavilly with that noise in his throat when phlegm gathers there. She had just moistened his mouth, when he opened his eyes wide though looking far away, and stopped breathing. When he started breathing again the quality of his breathing had changed. After she called my brother's cell phone, he stopped breathing again and she sat and held his hand. She could feel his puls gradually fade away. I was so gratefull that she could relate this experience in such detail and feel that she was truly privilaged to have been there.
Father is now lying on dry ice in a casket in the sun room. People can come and read to him or just sit with him. Mother is still sleeping in the next room as she did when he was on his death bed in there. It feels very right to be in the same house with him. Not wierd at all. In fact it would feel alot more wierd knowing his body was in a cooler somewhere.
We have been busy preparing for the funeral which will be on tuesday. Adam has returned home to fetch his family. Roland has made a web site with information: https://sites.google.com/site/lynwillwerth/

On the plane on my way over I read in a little book with quotes about death (by Rudolf Steiner).
He says that when somebody dies it is as thought they have traveled to a far away country to which we can only follow at a later time.
About the attitude with which we think of the dead he says that it is ok to be sad and heartbroken, but that if we wish for the person to come back we make it difficult for them to move on. It is more helpfull if we can accept that the spiritual world has called the person, because there are new taskes for him.

Failing fast

I returned from the US yesterday. We were on vacation in California, and hearing that Father was failing fast we spent the last few days with him and Mother in Cortland. As you know, he was diagnosed with multiple myeloma in february last year. After numerous complications he seemed to respond to treatment and from July to May had 10 good months. In May he began to experience episodes of weakness and testing showed the myeloma had invaded the central nervous system. This is a very rare complication and the prognosis is bad. Since then he has been getting progressively weaker. He has experienced a rapid decline in the last 2 weeks. From still going upstairs to bed 1 1/2 weeks ago to not being unable to bear weight more than a few seconds with support on thursday. He hardly speaks anymore, though we think he hears and listens. He mostly lies with his eyes shut. Must be fed and otherwise cared for in bed. The worst is that he seems to have a good bit of pain. It was a huge shock to see him like this. Mother is trying her best with the help of hospice. I was there for a few days and my brother Roland has returned from California to stay until the end.
We don't think he will live more than a few more weeks, and we all agree that we will try to make it possible for him to die at home. It is what he wants. Hospice sends an aide 2 hrs a day, and have helped with equipment, physical therapy consults and a nurse is on call 24/7. The church and the waldorf community are ralleying to help mother by bringing food and sitting with Father so that she can get away to swim and do errands.
I have returned to Norway, but will go back on short notice when they say the end is near. I wish I could have stayed on. There is so much I could have done to help!

Mountain getaway, July 10 - 12

Today is my 7th workday in a row. The price I pay to get a weekend in the mountains. The weather forecast was for rain, and Husband, wasn't sure if he wanted to go. But I needed to get away, if only to sit by the wood stove, read and play cards.
The two room cabin, which belongs to MaryAnn and Nils N lies on a point of land that sticks out into the Vinster lake, 1080 meters above sea-level, in the Jotunheimen mountains. There is neither elektricity nor running water and the outhouse is out in the barn of what used to be a summer farm. Up and down along the lake there are still summer farms in operation, milking goats and cows, both of which come to graze on the point of land where Skarstølen lies. It's a wonderfull place for the dogs, as they can run freely around the cabin most of the day, fenced in as they are by water on 2 sides and the fence on the third.

It actually didn't rain very much that weekend, though it was chilly when we arrived. Husband chopped wood and kept the fire going. I made sour cream porridge and in no time we were cozy. Time seems to stand still at Skarstølen. We read, played cards, took long naps and went for long walks. Lucy had her first encounter with goats on our first walk. On the second we saw a large flock of reindeer quite close by. On the open mountain moors, just dotted with occasional boulders Lucy just had to run. She would run and run in a big circle and suddenly she would be out of sight, which was a little scary as there might be sheep in the hollows, and we have no idea if she would try to chase them. She came back of course but we had to put her on a leash where the landscape was so open. Back at Skarstølen the cows from a neighboring summerfarm had gotten in by going between the end of the fence and the water and so we let the dogs chase them out: Lucy on leash, directing Topsy by voice.

We also had some nice visits with MaryAnn and Nils. MaryAnn has made an amazing flower garden with a stone terrace, waterfall and pool, little steps going up and down. It is quite wonderfull. Nils N is getting older, 81 now, and not very good on his feet anymore, but sharp as a whistle. It was good to see them.