I am so used to playing the role of caretaker that it has become a normal way of life. It has also become my identity and how I define my self worth. As mother, wife, nurse, co-worker, sister, daughter and neighbor. I have few friends and I ask myself why? I believe it is because I don't have the energy to take care of any more people. Always taking care of everyone else was sucking the life out of me, and in the last year or so I have lost a lot of my joy and motivation regarding work, dog training, exercising etc.
In the end this physical and mental exhaustion led me to decide to separate from my husband of 14 years. It is time, I feel, to focus on myself, my own needs and desires, my own self-care. It feels unfair from his point of view. He has shown great willingness to make changes and to accomodate my wishes, and yet I just don't have any more to give, I need to be alone.
My reaction when he drove down the driveway for the last time surprised me. I felt bereft...I mean I was expecting to feel lonely in a few weeks or months, but not on the first day! What does this mean? Besides the obvious: that I still care about him and feel sad about the good things I am giving up, as well as guilty for the heartache this is causing him, it is also an indication that I am "addicted" to being a caretaker, and that what I'm experiencing now is withdrawal symptoms. Well, from now on I'm going to be the caretaker of myself. I am going to learn the art of extreme self-care.
The concept of extreme self-care can seem arrogant and selfish, involving an inappropriate sense of entitlement.It is quite possible that I will meet resistance and criticism. By commiting to extreme self-care I am challenging a legacy passed down through generations of women in my family. My Grandmother was a nurse and she worked as nurse and "keeper" of her husbands medical practice. My mother taught me that taking care of your husband is of primary importance. She moved and changed jobs as his career moves seemed to require. She also stayed home with the children when we were small, and that is a value I have adopted as well. Don't get me wrong, I am utterly convinced that being a full-time mother while my children were small gave them a foundation of security which held during the years I went to college and thus was pretty much preoccupied most of the time for 3 years when they were school age. Before the children were grown, self-care was something I did in order to be a better mother and care-taker (for example getting enough sleep), not something I did for myself. It is the same with nursing. I tend to let my need for nourishment and rest be secondary to my patient's needs. (perhaps part of the reason I feel burned out?)
Now that I have decided to care for myself in a more attentive, proactive and soul-nourishing way, I'm forced to confront the cultural view that "selfish" is a dirty word.
However as Anita Moorjana, the author of "Dying to be me." said in an interview that I heard this fall: "People cringe at the thought of loving themselves. They think it's egotistical, or narsissistic. However those who appear to be the most egotistical are the ones who lack self love. The ones who love themselves are the happiest, most joyful, most secure people to be around. And they are the most giving and the most generous. Because you cannot give love to others if you don't have it for yourself. Our love is conditional when we don't have enough to give away. If we give ourselves love we become so full of love, that it overflows. And when we give love to others we don't need to get any back, because we are full to the brim already. And thus we are able to give love unconditionally. And the love we give can fill people up until they too are able to give."
That is my goal. When I start to care for myself deeply and deliberately, I believe that I naturally will begin to care for others in a healthier and more effective way. I will become a conscious and conscientious person. I will tell the truth. I will make choices from a place of love and compassion instead of guilt and obligation.
Extreme self-care can involve:
- making my home my sacred space in which my soul can find nourishment in solitude.
- eliminating clutter from my life for good.
- getting my financial act together so that I always have choices how to live my life.
- not making any commitments whatsoever out of guilt or obligation.
- making pleasure a priority.
-allowing myself to have fun.
- making my work environment soul-nourishing instead of soul depleting, through the practice of mindfulness.
- maintaining a healthy lifestyle by means of a healthy diet, regular exercise, enough sleep, and daily meditation.
The ideas in this post were inspired by a book by Cheryl Richardsen : The Art of Extreme Self-Care"
