I want to talk about family. About belonging. I love my sister. A couple of years ago she had cancer. Since her cancer she has been so unreachable. It is as if all her energy is going into her work, with a little left for her husband, but really nothing for anyone else. I recently visited her for a few days. I thought maybe if I came to her, that some of the old closeness would be there. However my attempts at conversation were usually rejected as were hugs. I try not to intrude, not to make demands, I am happy to cook, play with the dog, entertain myself. Why does she still reject me? Do I have nothing to give? It makes me so sad.
I see myself as easygoing, accepting, eager to please, interested in others, affectionate. Am I kidding myself? I asked my sister how she makes friends. She always seems surrounded by them while I cannot say the same for me.
"you try too hard" she said.
I don't though. I keep myself to myself. But I think she means I try too hard to be close to her.
Right now I am visiting my brother, Adam. When I describe my frustration to him and his wife, my frustration with my work, with feeling out of my depth, with my concentration and memory problems, with not being able to juggle nursing and family (even though my family is minimal), they say: "You are making excuses. You are stopping yourself from achieving." And they are probably right. They have given me several ideas for getting myself organized better. Perhaps I just lack the discipline.
Husband seems to feel the same way: "Of course you should be able to go to work, even after only sleeping 5 hours divided into 3 cat naps (because of travelling all night), and then after a 14 hr night shift drive for 3 hrs. I would have." Should I have? Would I not be endangering my patients, not to speak of passengers and other drivers?
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