Sometimes a little thing can make me so angry that I have to sit down afterwards and try to figure out what happened. Why, for example, did I get so angry when husband hung up the laundry for me, that I completely lost it. Seems innocuous enough, even helpful. The following is the result of my reflections on the episode, in which I try to understand the underlying feelings, take responsibility for the situation, and try to figure out how to deal with these feelings in a more constructive manner.
First of all, I am fighting a constant battle to become better organized. This is a real challenge for me - I am constantly misplacing things, or running out of time to do the things I need or want to do. Today was another attempt at a fresh start. We got up at 6:30. At 9am I would have to leave to catch my train to work. I was trying to organize my morning to have time to both eat breakfast, walk the dogs, as well as take down and hang up the laundry before I had to leave. Husband doing the laundry for me while I was walking the dogs, completely took the wind out of my sails.
Since I have started commuting to work, doing my share of the housework has demanded considerably more planning. I often feel guilty that I am not pulling my weight around the house. My areas of responsibility used to be: a daily walk with the dogs, the feeding, medicating (as needed), and daily care of all the animals, picking up milk, selling eggs, shopping, meal planning, cooking and baking and the laundry. Together with husband I share in cleaning and dishwashing. Now husband frequently has to cook his own dinner, pick up milk, shop for stuff that I have forgotten, and I rarely have time to help with dishes and cleaning. So I tend to feel guilty. Husband doing a chore that was really mine, makes me feel even worse. It's bad enough that I have to lay on him things that I am simply not at home to do.
How to deal with guilt and anger, that is the question. Flying off the handle, screaming and throwing things around is definitiv not very constructive, nor fair on husband, who is just trying to be helpful. Maybe I need to adjust my expectations to myself. Maybe it will help if I get back to doing my meditations regularly. This past month they have largely fallen by the wayside. One of these is practicing inner tranquility, ie not getting carried away by every emotion that washes over me.
Sometimes I transfer my own guilt onto the other person, making the assumption that they are judging me for my faults. Were you doing that?
ReplyDeleteThat is exactly what I was doing. It took a bit of courage to write about this, especially the particulars as I discovered another emotion in the wake of realizing that it was all about transferring guilt: shame. So this exercise in inner tranquility certainly can teach you a lot about yourself, though hopefully in the future I can catch the emotions before having a meltdown. Actually husband actually told me that I should start meditating again (I had stopped for about a month) as I seemed more in controll of my reactions as a result of my meditations. He also wondered if I could become better organized / less scatterbrained through meditation. Well, I suppose it's possible, though those habits are much more deeply ingrained in me than losing control fo my reactions. Any suggestions?
ReplyDeleteYou need to stop trying to be superwoman. Maybe it would help to sit down with Tor Idar and list all the responsibilities and then reassign them to accommodate your new work situation. That way neither of you feels used or criticized, the work still gets done, but in a mutually supportive manner. That would be my recommendation.
ReplyDeleteI know, I know. Why is it that I always seem to try to be superwoman? Anyway, in case I made it sound like I have taken all the household chores upon myself, here is a list of what Tor Idar's responsibilities are: cutting, splitting, stacking, and bringing in firewood plus keeping the fire burning. Shovelling snow. Taking out garbage. Vacuuming once a week. Dusting most of the house (my part is the living and dining rooms, but he often does those as well) once a month; walking the dogs and taking care of the chickens when I'm at work. Pluss we sort of share dishwashing. Whoever notices that the dishwasher is done empties it. So really the household chores are fairly evenly divided.
ReplyDeleteForgot to mention that Husband also waxes the skis, polishes, cleans and vacuums the cars and keeps the bicycles clean and in ship shape.
ReplyDelete