I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
In the past few days I have seen how far I am from that ideal. How often is not my emotional life determined by things out of my control? - the weather, other peoples' approval or disapproval, my state of tiredness, hormonal surges, even the books I read, the movies I watch, or the music I listen to.
Some of these things I can control to a certain extent. I can try to influence my schedule to allow for enough sleep. I try to avvoid books, movies and music that make me sad or frightened .However approval/disapproval, weather and hormones are harder to controll, though I have resolved to stay away from hormone therapy (a 3 month trial for menopause related problems had me on an emotional roller coaster, the like of which I had experienced neither when I was pregnant or breast-feeding). And regarding the weather I have made up my mind that I need to get away from Norway in the winter, and to this end, have just completed the purchase of a house on Crete.
Still, it is frightening to see how little direct control I have over my emotions. All these efforts are after all manipulations of the environment, because I lack direct control. I once read a book on cognitive therapy. The premise seemed to be that half unconscious negative thoughts give rise to negative feelings, causing more negative thoughts and so on. I am not certain that that is always the case. The weather, hormones, and tiredness can affect the emotions directly it seems to me. Then come the thoughts of self loathing, and worthlessness, which feed the hopelessness, sadness, irritability and so on.
The worst thing about this evil circle is the effect it has on the will, which becomes increasingly paralyzed as depression and brooding intensify. Interestingly this is where I find the possibility to break the circle and regain control lies. If I am able to overcome the paralysis, and break through the urge to just creep into a hole and curl up there, to carry out some task that I have set myself, for example a workout, I find my self confidence slightly increased. Enough to embark on the search toward identifying the true cause of my emotional depression. Thus by employing my will and powers of reflection, I am again able to take controll.
Interesting post. I personally believe it has a lot more to do with the mind and the will than with the environment. It's about whether you choose to let these things affect you or not (perhaps with the exception of the hormones). Whether you think of 'the glass' as half full or half empty. Even more so I think such things always lie in something deeper, and the environmental things are just feeding it, so what needs to be faced is the demon at the core of your unhappiness.
ReplyDeleteIn my experience I've also found that a feeling of loosing control can be very difficult, but that rather than attempting to attain it, it has helped me to realize there are things beyond my control, and that some lack of control can be good in some ways. Learning to let go so to speak.
I hope you find yourself on the right path soon :) We should Skype soon. Miss you and love you! Klem, Ingvild
G,
ReplyDeleteIt's all just The Pause! I know we are the same age, but I've been over that for around 5 years now and have finally rejoined the Human Race. All I did was cry and freak out through my forties, and have hot flashes.
Also, becoming a Nana changed a lot of what I think. Suddenly it became about the next generation and the gifts they will bestow upont the world and society.
I find myself happiest in my garden; in times like these when it's still too early to plant, I dream of new sunny beds which will help me attain my goal of growing a thousand pounds of food this summer, beds carved out by trees which came down during storm Sandy.
Life flows and ebbs and changes, as it should. We've got to just go with it.
And, it is wonderful!
Sarah Siskin