Self-Esteem at Home and in the Workplace

One thing I've been asking myself, is why do I feel confident and competent at work while my social life and love life are non-existent and my family relationships are often a struggle.

At work I have the ability to influence others. I can make my co-workers feel harassed and judged. Or I can make them feel confident and competent. In this context it is important to me to monitor my interactions with my colleagues. It is so easy to be bossy and critical or overbearing because I want stuff to be done my way. It is easy to be impatient when confronted with the attitude: “but nobody else bothers”, or seeing someone choosing the easy way out instead of following approved procedures. It's frustrating when people around you just don't seem committed to excellence. However, if I really want to influence others, criticizing and ordering them around is probably not going to change their behavior in the long term.

So what can I do to influence others to become more competent and more conscientious? One way is by example: by clearly demonstrating in my everyday actions that I stand for a philosophy of excellence and cooperation. I demonstrate the importance of serving my fellow co-workers by cleaning up an examination room before leaving it, cleaning up the utility room, and emptying garbage etc. I demonstrate conscientiousness by following correct procedures, writing comprehensive nursing reports, by monitoring patients whose vitals are not withing normal parameters.

Yet just doing the right thing will probably not influence other people – they probably wouldn't even notice. So I discuss what I'm doing and why. This may actually be the origin of the narrating that drives my children crazy, where I keep up a constant commentary of what I'm doing and going to do.

Tony Robbins says that significance is one of the basic human needs. The need to feel important, special, unique, needed. It's what a lot of advertizement is aimed at. At work I am recognized as the best mentor on the staff (mostly because I love mentoring) and also as an expert clinical nurse. I feel secure in my competence. Most of the time I know what to do to help the patient. I can anticipate what exams are necessary and what treatment is needed so that when they are ordered I have already collected the drugs or equipment and am ready to initiate it.

In my personal life, however I don't really have personal power. My children are adults – the time to influence them is over. Nor do I want to influence my children on how to live their lives. It is important to me that they feel free to follow their hearts and also that they feel comfortable confiding in me. I want to share their in their lives, not dictate them. And for the most part this works pretty well.

It is more difficult with my sister. She is my sister, yet, because she is sick and I am a nurse it is hard when she won't confide in me regarding her health, and when she is uninterested in my advice. We talked about it when I was there. Being a nurse is part of me. It is a skin I wear which becomes activated when I am around someone who seems to be in need of health care. It is the same with her. She is a teacher and in certain situations involving children her teacher's skin is activated. When your job is not just a job, but a calling, it becomes a part of who you are.

I am also often struggling with the feeling that I don't matter. And so I hide out. I avoid people. I used to have lots and lots of people that I would correspond with. I got about one letter back for every 4 I sent. I simply accepted this as the way of the world. I accepted that people didn't really care about staying in touch with me, unless I initiated the contact. I still accept it, but I have stopped reaching out. Except to the people I really, really want to stay connected to. And yet, isn't there something wrong when reaching out to family and friends feels like a chore, because deep down, you wonder if they really care about you?

I used to have friends as well. Back when I lived in Vienna, and even when I had the farm in northern Norway. There was always a sense of desperation though. I needed those contacts so badly. I don't reach out to people out of desperation anymore. I don't know what has changed. I am happier in my own company. That is certainly one reason. However, there is something that doesn't feel quite right. I long for good and true friendships. But I have no idea what to do with friends. I'm not a party girl. Parties bore me.

And as far as intimate relationships go – lets not even go there. Do I even want one? I don't know. Or is the truth that I am so afraid of failure that, as with friendships, I have shut myself away and given up on the very idea that an intimate relationship could be a possibility for me.

So basically what I'm saying is: at work I have it all together, while in my private life I am a complete failure. Why then, when all this is the case, do I feel drained by my work, and most peaceful and content when I'm by myself? Content, that is, except for the feeling of guilt that I shouldn't be happy by myself. I should be happy doing a meaningful job and when I'm in the company of the people I love.