The goals and resolutions of 2010 – an evaluation

2010 is drawing to a close and it is time to reflect on how things stand with last year’s resolutions. These were

1. to cultivate contact with friends and family
2. to practice Anthroposophy
3. to develop and maintain a positive attitude

I also posted 10 goals for 2010 in a note on Facebook. These were:
1. Graduate from Nurse anaesthesia course in June √
2. Get job as nurse anaesthetist L (no luck there so far, but still applying)
3. Apply to organisation for disaster relief or similar √ (but was rejected)
4. Lose 10 lbs L (lost 7 but gained back 6)
5. Take agility course with Lucy √
6. Buy new car √
7. Learn Spanish √
8. Go to Iceland with Tor Idar √
9. Go to Italy with Mother and Roland √
10. Use less water and electricity √ (especially since the girls moved out).

Above I have noted how things went with the 10 goals. I was unable to lose the 10 lbs and I have been unable to land a nurse anaesthetist job. Of my 3 resolutions I think I was only really successful with one of them – practicing anthroposophy. So what happened with my other goals and resolutions? Why did I fail to carry them out? Does it matter that I failed?

With anthroposophy I have progressed from just listening to a lecture or chapter every day to meditations 1-3X daily including exercises in concentration and contemplation. I want gradually to make a 3X daily meditation the norm in my life. I’ve become fairly successful at concentrating my thoughts on a subject of my choosing, be it a mundane object or a verse or visualisation. The contemplation exercises have made me aware of how much I go through life not noticing because I don’t really look. I still have a ways to go there – especially in the realm of listening, and noticing feelings and emotions. The real challenge is changing my ways. Even the simple exercise of resolving on an action to be carried out at a particular time, went well this summer (maybe because I was on vacation?), however when I tried it again in the fall I think I remembered it 2 or 3 times out of 15. Not a great record. How much more difficult is it to change habits of thinking, speech, and action. It is amazing, and depressing to discover how much I speak and do without really being conscious about it.

Which brings me to the resolution of keeping a positive outlook. I still hear from my husband and my children that I am negative, and that I complain a lot. I believe that I am a lot more positive at work, yet occasionally I hear that I am argumentative or I catch myself criticizing. I think I need a very concrete method if I am to succeed with this resolution but first to answer the question: is it necessary?
I think it is. When I was little we used to say a verse in the morning which captures the essence how and why to develop a positive outlook:

To wonder at Beauty
Stand guard over Truth
Look up to the Noble
Resolve on the Good

This leadeth Man truly
To purpose in living
To Right in his doing
To Peace in his feeling
To Light in his thinking

And teaches him Trust
In the working of God
In all that there is:
In the widths of the World,
In the depths of the Soul!

- Rudolf Steiner

How have I done with cultivating personal contacts? Well, during those final hectic months of studying I made sure that Husband and I spent quality time together at least once a month. We spent a weekend in Oslo in January, 5 days in Iceland in February and a weekend at a ski resort in March. I have called mother once or twice a week all year and we have had some good conversations regarding our respective reading. Ilian and I have also been talking on Skype regularly. Skype has the added advantage of video so that it is almost like hveing her visit. For the first time ever I can show her how we live, our house, garden, pets etc. Roland and Sharon spent a week with us in Norway in May, and we spent time with them and Mother in September in Italy as well. However I miss having regular contact with Adam and his family, as well as Tormod and Beren. Also all my friends in the US. Audun and I have regular contact about once a month. Since Audun has come home from Australia, we have had regular contact about once a month, always very pleasant. After the girls went to England however, I have been missing Ingvild. Irene and I skype regularly. Also I have been quite lax about keeping in touch with European friends. The truth is that I am a loner. I like being alone with my thoughts: reading, studying, writing etc. Actual real-time interaction, be it face-to-face, via telephone, chat, skype or whatever seems so time consuming. It seems to steal time from being alone with myself. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Because it seems to me that this is wrong. I honestly believe that the most meaningful time I spend, is the time spent in conversation with family and friends, or caring for my patients. And yet I am always prioritising everything else. I worry that my friends will slip away from me. That one day I will be 95 and have no one, and it will be my own fault.

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There are 2 areas where I was unable to attain my goals this year. One is in the professional realm in that I am still not working as a nurse anaesthetist, a situation that is threatening to undermine my professional self-confidence. But do I honestly have reason to doubt my potential to become a competent nurse anaesthetist? I think not. For one thing I was offered 2 positions in Bergen. I did not accept them because Bergen is clear on the other side of the country. Also I got an A in my final exam! That doesn’t speak of incompetence either. I think I just need to take time to figure out where my calling lies. I will start working at the ER at AHUS in February. Meantime I continue to apply to nurse anaesthetist positions in Hedmark, Oppland, Akershus and Oslo districts. Sooner or later it will become clear where my calling lies. I need to have faith in the powers that guide my life and in the voice of my Heart.

The other area is that of losing weight. The problem must lie in a lack of sufficient motivation. I think this is because I think of weight loss as a question of vanity. However it can also be seen as a question of maintaining optimal health. A BMI of 25.8 is considered officially overweight, and thus potentially unhealthy. Perhaps I should change the focus to health in general: diet, exercise etc and see what changes can be made there, and then see if weight-loss follows as a consequence of a more healthy lifestyle.