A blog I read said that when we want something, when we set goals or make resolutions it is because we want to feel better. And that instead of making resolutions, setting goals etc we should just figure out how we want to feel and focus on that.
Actually I wasn't going to make a whole bunch of resolutions but I thought the exercise interesting and so I decided to go through all my intentions and try to identify in what way they were aimed at making me feel better.
So here they are, my intentions:
I intend to go to the gym regularly (twice a week) once for cycling, once for swimming, and eat lots of fruit and veg, while avoiding refined sugar because I want to feel energetic, vibrant and beautiful.
I intend to continue learning Greek so that I can communicate with the locals when I am in Crete because I want to feel connected, confident and independent.
I am frustrated about Lucy. That she doesn't come when called, that she isn't focused on the game when we do agility, that she is often aggressive to other dogs and afraid of people who try to pet her. I therefore intend to work on my dog training with the help of Susan Garret's online training courses, because I want to enjoy my dog, and feel relaxed, confident, proud and joyful when I am with her.
I intend to continue doing yoga and meditating daily, because I want to feel inner peace and balance in my life.
I intend to connect more with friends and family through phone calls, e-mails, skype, facebook, and blogs etc, because I want to feel loved, connected, understood and have a sense of belonging.
***
This past year has been challenging on many fronts. In the course of the spring I lost my joy, confidence and energy for work. By May I was on total sick leave for 3 weeks. Most of the summer I worked reduced hours. In the fall I tried working my full position again but after only a few weeks I had to reduce my hours again. Finally decided to reduce them permanently, which is a good thing, as it didn't take more than a couple of weeks of my full position in December before I was on the brink of exhaustion for the third time.
The other major challenge this year was coming to the realization that I am not cut out for marriage and that if I'm honest with myself, what I really want is to be alone. This feeling has been brewing on and off for several years. I haven't felt properly happy with life, and yet I'd tell myself: what makes me think I deserve happiness. Also there was all the uncertainty that making a major change in my life would bring: would I manage economically on my own? And the hassle of dividing up our stuff. Would everyone judge me? It seemed so egocentric. And what about husband? What would become of him? It was an extremely long, and hard decision to make but in the end I just couldn't go on as before. Husband bent over backwards to try to accommodate my needs and desires. In the end it didn't seem fair to him, and really, no matter what he did it didn't change my desire to be alone. I think what finally decided me was two things. I read a blog post about the importance of having a sacred space, a haven to which you can go to do the work, and gather strength in order to be able to go out and work in the world. That without that haven, life becomes maddening and you lose yourself to chaos. And I realized that I need my home to be that haven. A place where I can focus on my own needs and prepare for my work in the world. The other was an interview I listened to by the Anita Moorjana, the author of "Dying to be Me", which finally explained the concept of loving yourself in a way that I could relate to.
"People cringe at the thought of loving themselves. They think it's egotistical, or narcissistic. Those who appear to be the most egotistical are the ones who lack self love. The ones who love themselves are the happiest, most joyful, most secure people to be around. And they are the most giving and the most generous. Because you cannot give love to others if you don't have it for yourself. Our love is conditional when we don't have enough to give away. If we give ourselves love we become so full of love, that it overflows. And when we give love to others we don't need to get any back, because we are full to the brim already. And thus we are able to give love unconditionally. And the love we give can fill people up until they too are able to give."
The bible says: "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself", and people have always said to me that "as thyself" means that I have to love myself first. But it wasn't until I listened to the way Anita put it, that I understood, yes! I need to be able to love myself first, in order to be able to love others, instead of being exhausted by them.
So I have decided to live alone because I want to to feel free, independent, accepted, to feel spaciousness (to be myself), and finally the feeling of being loveable, beloved and loving.
My actual New Years resolution is to study "A Course in Miracles". This is a book that I keep hearing about and since it consists of 365 lessons, I thought it made an appropriate New Years Resolution. Ever since the spring when I lost my joy, confidence and energy for work I have been exploring the world of modern spirituality. I have read books on mindfulness (The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle made the biggest impression) and on the the power of the mind to create our reality (E-squared by Pam Grout, is my favorite here), and taken an online course in spiritual developement in Belinda Davidsens School of the Modern Mystic, level 1. The Lightworkers Way by Doreen Virtue also made a deep impression. At the same time I have continued to study anthroposophy. I intend to continue my spiritual studies and practices because I want to feel self aware, connected with my life purpose and with the spiritual world / the spiritual energy force that underlies the material world.
My main wish for change in 2014 is to have joy and energy for my work, and still have the time and money to travel often. I want to feel free, abundant and relaxed with regard to money, and with regard to my work I want to feel competent and compassionate.
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