This year is Mother's 75th birthday! Those of us who were in town gathered at my house on Thursday afternoon to celebrate: Ingvild and I, Mother and Father, even Roland and Sharon came, surfacing from end of term round the clock frenzy of writing papers. I was especially happy about that, because I know they have little time. We went out to eat at Sebastian's Cucina, the new organic restaurant, featuring grass fed beef raised by Sebastian himself, as well as fish and a few vegetarian dishes. The food was good, but not great. The prices were good, considering that most of the food was organic though. The atmosphere was cozy. I guess with a name like that, I had expected the menu to feature Italian food, which it did not. After dinner we went back to my place for cake and tea. Cake being the delicious nut and chocolate layer cake from Green Star.
The party broke up pretty early, Sharon had to get back to her writing, and Mother and Father are going to San Diego tomorrow to visit my sister. Not surprisingly Mother has not packed yet.
I was surprised however, when I arrived at the farm on friday morning to find her standing over the stove cooking blinzes for breakfast, 45 minutes before we were due to leave for the airport.
"Shall I put your bags in the car awhile?" I asked.
"Oh, I haven't finished packing yet!" was the answer.
We got to the airport a bare hour before the plane was due to leave. One of these days Mother is going to miss a plane. She's a regular Bridget Jones when it comes to packing.
Saturday, May 5, 2007
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
What is a good nurse? - knowledge, compassion, teamwork
The past few days I have experienced 3 things that make me feel good about myself:
1. I passed the 102 strip tele test. I also passed ADSL recertification.
2. A coworker said to me: "you are so fast! Three times in 2 nights when something is happening with one of the patients you right on the spot, asking what you can do to help!
3. Another coworker told me that a patient had told her that he liked me so much, and the care I gave.
There is hope for me yet!
For weeks my self confidence as a nurse has been at an all-time ebb. I ask myself - do I know enough to make the decisions that could affect my patients life and death, or seriously impact their quality of life? Do I have enough compassion? Am I a good co-worker or am I just a dead weight, barely able to take care of my own area of responsibility? The responsibility has been weighing on me. The stess has been overwhelming and as usual it affects my memory, my concentration and my outlook. I like to say that while some people, when they are stressed and overworked get migraines or ulcers, I get dementia. My mind feels like a sieve. I've been looking into how my healthstyle can improve my mental abilities and my tolerance for stress and frustration. Some things I have been trying are water aerobics, Tai Chi, fresh air and sunlight (I take a book to the swing bench on the park along the lake and read and swing while I soak up the sunshine), and abundant fruit and vegetables.
My brother, Adam, addressing the question of knowledge, told me how he went about learning his ship inside-out when he was in the navy. It inspired me to study even harder, and use some of his methods. The fact is, I love nursing. I love learning it and I love practicing it. I genuinely like the patients, and I love the experience of good teamwork. I just don't love the grunge and the dust invading my house as my work takes over my private life as well as my work life, I don't like never having time for my 15-year old daughter, Ingvild, or time to write to friends.
1. I passed the 102 strip tele test. I also passed ADSL recertification.
2. A coworker said to me: "you are so fast! Three times in 2 nights when something is happening with one of the patients you right on the spot, asking what you can do to help!
3. Another coworker told me that a patient had told her that he liked me so much, and the care I gave.
There is hope for me yet!
For weeks my self confidence as a nurse has been at an all-time ebb. I ask myself - do I know enough to make the decisions that could affect my patients life and death, or seriously impact their quality of life? Do I have enough compassion? Am I a good co-worker or am I just a dead weight, barely able to take care of my own area of responsibility? The responsibility has been weighing on me. The stess has been overwhelming and as usual it affects my memory, my concentration and my outlook. I like to say that while some people, when they are stressed and overworked get migraines or ulcers, I get dementia. My mind feels like a sieve. I've been looking into how my healthstyle can improve my mental abilities and my tolerance for stress and frustration. Some things I have been trying are water aerobics, Tai Chi, fresh air and sunlight (I take a book to the swing bench on the park along the lake and read and swing while I soak up the sunshine), and abundant fruit and vegetables.
My brother, Adam, addressing the question of knowledge, told me how he went about learning his ship inside-out when he was in the navy. It inspired me to study even harder, and use some of his methods. The fact is, I love nursing. I love learning it and I love practicing it. I genuinely like the patients, and I love the experience of good teamwork. I just don't love the grunge and the dust invading my house as my work takes over my private life as well as my work life, I don't like never having time for my 15-year old daughter, Ingvild, or time to write to friends.
May Day
May - my favorite month. The month of my birthday, my wedding day, the birth of my youngest daughter and the month where spring transforms to summer. All is new and lovely! All around me trees are blooming: apples, cherry and magnolia, forsythia are flaming hedges, hyacinths, tulips and daffodils spread a riot of color and scent. The snowstorm of 2 weeks ago is just a bad dream....
Friday, April 20, 2007
Trying too hard - or not hard enough?
I want to talk about family. About belonging. I love my sister. A couple of years ago she had cancer. Since her cancer she has been so unreachable. It is as if all her energy is going into her work, with a little left for her husband, but really nothing for anyone else. I recently visited her for a few days. I thought maybe if I came to her, that some of the old closeness would be there. However my attempts at conversation were usually rejected as were hugs. I try not to intrude, not to make demands, I am happy to cook, play with the dog, entertain myself. Why does she still reject me? Do I have nothing to give? It makes me so sad.
I see myself as easygoing, accepting, eager to please, interested in others, affectionate. Am I kidding myself? I asked my sister how she makes friends. She always seems surrounded by them while I cannot say the same for me.
"you try too hard" she said.
I don't though. I keep myself to myself. But I think she means I try too hard to be close to her.
Right now I am visiting my brother, Adam. When I describe my frustration to him and his wife, my frustration with my work, with feeling out of my depth, with my concentration and memory problems, with not being able to juggle nursing and family (even though my family is minimal), they say: "You are making excuses. You are stopping yourself from achieving." And they are probably right. They have given me several ideas for getting myself organized better. Perhaps I just lack the discipline.
Husband seems to feel the same way: "Of course you should be able to go to work, even after only sleeping 5 hours divided into 3 cat naps (because of travelling all night), and then after a 14 hr night shift drive for 3 hrs. I would have." Should I have? Would I not be endangering my patients, not to speak of passengers and other drivers?
I see myself as easygoing, accepting, eager to please, interested in others, affectionate. Am I kidding myself? I asked my sister how she makes friends. She always seems surrounded by them while I cannot say the same for me.
"you try too hard" she said.
I don't though. I keep myself to myself. But I think she means I try too hard to be close to her.
Right now I am visiting my brother, Adam. When I describe my frustration to him and his wife, my frustration with my work, with feeling out of my depth, with my concentration and memory problems, with not being able to juggle nursing and family (even though my family is minimal), they say: "You are making excuses. You are stopping yourself from achieving." And they are probably right. They have given me several ideas for getting myself organized better. Perhaps I just lack the discipline.
Husband seems to feel the same way: "Of course you should be able to go to work, even after only sleeping 5 hours divided into 3 cat naps (because of travelling all night), and then after a 14 hr night shift drive for 3 hrs. I would have." Should I have? Would I not be endangering my patients, not to speak of passengers and other drivers?
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Family Easter
We gathered at the farm, 3 generations. Mother and Father, the kids, and the grandkids. A selection at least. If we had all been there with significant others, there would be 19 of us. Mother had set several card tables against each other and the dining room table in the living room to make room for the 11 of us. The table is set with lace and decorated with forsythia and pussywillows in vases. In a basket in the center are the eggs we have all been coloring the past couple of days. I've always wanted to try vegetable colors. The red cabbage eggs came out a bright blue, the turmuric eggs a warm yellow, but the red beet eggs are a muddy red, not the bright red I had hoped for.
After a dinner of nut loaf (my brother, Roland and Sharon are vegetarian), salad, and baked sweet potatoes, came the basket game. Mother had prepared easter baskets for all, with easter candy and little knitted finger gnomes. One by one each of us took one of the others baskets and hid them outside. Then we all went out at once to look for our baskets. Meghann found hers right away, as if she had seen Sharon hide it. Sharon took it and hid it again. There were many good hiding places: Mother's was up a tree, my nephew, Beren's was in the old bathtub lying on it's side, Sharon's was behind a bale of hay, mine was covered with shovels and garden tools and so on. Even though it was cold and a little snow was blowing in the air, we had a blast!
After a dinner of nut loaf (my brother, Roland and Sharon are vegetarian), salad, and baked sweet potatoes, came the basket game. Mother had prepared easter baskets for all, with easter candy and little knitted finger gnomes. One by one each of us took one of the others baskets and hid them outside. Then we all went out at once to look for our baskets. Meghann found hers right away, as if she had seen Sharon hide it. Sharon took it and hid it again. There were many good hiding places: Mother's was up a tree, my nephew, Beren's was in the old bathtub lying on it's side, Sharon's was behind a bale of hay, mine was covered with shovels and garden tools and so on. Even though it was cold and a little snow was blowing in the air, we had a blast!
Sunday, April 8, 2007
Good Friday
3 hours ago I was so frustrated! I'm exhausted after three 14-15 hour night shifts on the med/surge unit, with about 5 hrs of sleep between each.
I've had zero time to spend with my 17-year old daughter, who is visiting for a week during her spring break.
Outside it's been snowing hard with a chill wind from the north. You'd think it was christmas coming up, not easter!
My sister and nephew are here for the easter weekend, and I want to spend time with them, but I still haven't looked at the taxes, and I have 99 tele strips to analyze.
3 hrs ago I felt that in order to manage my life I should have been a recluse. But when my sister and brother-in-law got into town and we all went to the friday night contra dance, all the stress and frustration melted away. At first I still felt dizzy but 3 hrs of dancing blew it all away, and the energy came pouring back! That is what dancing does for me. And that is why I am calling this blogg Dancer.
I've had zero time to spend with my 17-year old daughter, who is visiting for a week during her spring break.
Outside it's been snowing hard with a chill wind from the north. You'd think it was christmas coming up, not easter!
My sister and nephew are here for the easter weekend, and I want to spend time with them, but I still haven't looked at the taxes, and I have 99 tele strips to analyze.
3 hrs ago I felt that in order to manage my life I should have been a recluse. But when my sister and brother-in-law got into town and we all went to the friday night contra dance, all the stress and frustration melted away. At first I still felt dizzy but 3 hrs of dancing blew it all away, and the energy came pouring back! That is what dancing does for me. And that is why I am calling this blogg Dancer.
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